It's been eons since I've last updated an entry. Well I'm really pressed for time now. Everyday seemed to go by in a whiz, I no longer know what's happening. A simple school changed my life. For the better or worse, I'm not sure, seriously. I would want it to be better of coz. I have no time for entertainment; and whatever time I have is split between work and school.
I'm stressed out by work and school at the same time. It's like, I try to put in my best for both, but it's never gd enough. Twice a week I leave work early to go for classes. I thought by making up for lost time to my boss, I thought by working doubly or thrice harder, making sure my work doesn't suffer, my boss will be alright about my attending school. And well, ought she not understand, since she herself is taking a course too? Because the last thing I want is for my boss to think that schooling has resulted in a drop in performance. So, in fact, I thought I did it. I completed my work, and even ahead of time; my projects went smoothly...I was pleased with my performance in fact. Proud of myself. The only difference is that for twice a week, I could no longer stay back late like I used to. But that probably was what caused my boss to be unhappy. Despite all the good work I've done, all it took was just one more extra day of class to cause her to lapse into an impatient mood with me. For freaking sake, it's just one additional day this week loh, not a permanent feature. Lesson number 2: learn to manage your boss.
I've ever asked myself this question: did I make a wrong move? I did some soul-searching, and I got my answer. I don't regret signing up for the Masters. I always tell myself, there are plenty who have worked and studied at the same time. No reason why I cannot do it. I know I can do it. But I've learnt something though. Balancing - Putting in the effort in your studies (ie. conscientiously revising, doing homewk, etc) and continue to give your best at work, aint enuff. The equation needs another variable - your boss/organisation's understanding and accomodation. Perhaps that isn't a variable, it would be more appropriate to call it a constant factor. The variable factor is work load.
Having a job like mine, which keeps irregular hours and work carries over beyond the regular 9 to 6 hours - covering events on week nites and week ends, pressing deadlines which demand your attention to complete it (meaning OT or bringing home to do)...truly leaves no time for school and revision.
Understanding from your superior...That is a hurting lesson I picked up. I was giving, and expected appreciation, waited for understanding. I was too eager to please her, wanting to make sure that my work quality and quantity doesn't suffer...that I left myself with no time to do my assignments, to do my revision. In spite of all that I've done, she was never really pleased.
Like the analogy that Moses gave: I used to give 150%, but now with school, I could only give 120%. She doesn't see the fact that I'm giving her 120%, which is more than fulfilling my responsibilities. She only sees the fact that there is a 30% decrease. But, according to Moses, I shouldn't let that bother me; I shouldn't worry if she's upset with me or not, so long as I fulfil my obligations. But I'm not that sort of person. I care alot about how others see me, and I am uncomfortable knowing that someone is unhappy with me, much lest my boss.
I am disappointed with her reaction, really I am. These four years, we have been more than just boss-subordinate. We were friends. I could confide in her personal problems or struggles at times. Our relationship has transgressed beyond office ties, and that was what kept me here all along (plus great colleagues of course). But this incident also sort of made me realise how fragile relations can be. All it takes is one simple incident to change things. We are still cordial and jovial towards each other, but I do perceived a certain level of terse and tense environment in office.
And with the problems caused at work by that new girl (that's story for another time), I truly felt the strain of unhappy work life and unsatisfactory learning. I felt I wasn't doing my best at either. Kinda like Jack of all trades, Master of none. Time was a crucial factor lacking severely in my case. And that led me to explore other options.
My initial intention was to finish up my first year while working at the same time, and when second year (Aug 08) starts, I will do full-time studying (& perhaps part time/temp job), and complete my Masters in the second year (May 09). One of the options I explored was naturally, bringing forward my plans. If I go into full time by first year second semester (Jan 08), I can actually finish up approximately in 1.5years time (Dec 08). Sounds appealing doesn't it. Some other options includes changing a job. But after some consideration, staying in this industry may be impossible, because of the hours necessary to sustain the work load. I'm sad but I have to accept the fact that I will probably have 1-2years time lag of not being in this industry. Anyways, I've got to go think about what other jobs I can do. That I haven't really thought about. Changing to a job with fixed office hours will undeniably give me more time now. Question is, is it sufficient? Anyways, that's somethign we won't know till I'm in it. Other options will include doing a part time job or studyign full time and giving tuition or something...kinda like what I used to be doing when I was pursuin my degree in NUS. But I was too caught up in that, that it become somewhat an undesirable outcome. Anyways, like I said, I've got to go think about it more. Because it seems, no matter what, something's gotta give in any of the situations. Time or Money; not Time and Money.
Whatever the case is, time is definitely a luxury I want now. I can only go out once a week, which is really sad. Other days are spent OT-ing, or doing projects and assignments..especially the weekend. Sigh. Wish me luck in finding an answer.
Perhaps it's time to say goodbye.
