The Story

Went out with my gang of girl frens for our weekly run...except that I didn't manage to run. For one, we reached the stadium late. But the deciding factor was the drizzle that refuse to abate, and instead got heavier. Sickening. And made me missed my run today...Supposed to be the alternate day exercise this week for me. Anyways, we ended up going for dinner at Sakae Sushi at West Mall; not much of a crowd by that time. Hui's boyfriend happened to be there too with his friends, and for the first time since they got together (think a couple of months already), we FINALLY got to see the "real" Junlin...*heehee* Previously only saw his photo. Fen nearly choked...Not coz he look weird or anything, but he came upon us by surprise. Hahaha...

Somehow we ended up talking about movies, and before I knew it, I was telling them about "Skeleton Key", which I caught on Sunday. I like that movie very much...one of the few well-shot horror movie. Yep, I'm scaredy, yet I LURVEEE watching Horror movies...haha...Don't ask me why. Anyways, I regurgitated the entire movie proceedings (and did a good job at that too, sparing no details ^^). The three of them were pretty spooked after that too. Ha! In fact, this was the second time that I've re-told the movie to my friends. First time was to the office peeps on Monday. Of coz, I'm not so bad lah, I only told them the story after ascertaining that they aren't gonna watch the movie at the cinema. Anyway, great movie, nice plot. Loads better than that free movie 黑社会 which I caught last night with Amy. Hahahaha...

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Talkin about telling stories...it was a "queer" lunch I had today with Tricia, Isabel and Amy this afternoon. Must have been complaining about E, and somehow, the topic strayed into my grandfather, who passed away earlier this year. I was relating the events and started well...tearing. Isabel is an emotional girl too...Her eyes turned red, tears gathered and two girls were bascially tearing and sniffing at an eating place...We must have looked a ridiculous sight to those who didn't know what was going on. Heh...

I was repeating that fateful night's happenings...About how I made so many bungles before arriving at my grandad's place...how I was the last one to arrive that night, about how he waited for me before "leaving". I missed the bus, I dropped at the wrong bus stop, I ran the remaining journey to the block, only to realise that it was the wrong block afteral. And when finally, I arrived at my grandad's house, I realised with horror that everyone was gathered inside his room. Part of me just wanted to turn and run out, because I just was not ready to face what was coming. Before I entered the room, I heard sniffles and quiet sobbings. My aunt literally pushed me in. Everyone was gathered around his bed. I knew he had a difficult day during the daytime, but this was not what I had expected to encounter. His breathing was laboured, slow and painful. His eyes were close, though he was perhaps half-conscious. On hindsight, we were probably losing him then already. I was so overcome with pain, hurt and grief. And fear. I had never dealt with death on such a close level ever before. It was always a friend's relative, or a relative's friend, and now that it was happening to me, all I could think was to wish it away. I just didn't know how to react.

I was too choked with tears to say anything. I just wanted to call out to him and hold his hands once more, just like how I did when he was warded in the hospital a couple of months back at SGH. But I was stoned...and stunned. My grandmom was trembling and sobbing badly and another of my aunt was holding on to her. Then my aunt spoke. She stroked my grandad's face, and told him that all the people who mattered, whom he wanted to see had arrived, that he can be on his way now and not suffer anymore. In the next five minutes, we saw his life ebb away. When he took in his final breath and stopped for eternity, it was as though a tidal wave of raw pain crashed into me, into us. My grandmom collapsed, we cousins hugged each other and cried our hearts out. The pain was unbearable.

My mind was a blank, memories rushed back and flooded my mind. All I could see were the days and times that I had spent with my grandparents, from age four to twenty-four. I love my grandparents very much, beyond words in fact. And I just can't imagine living life without either one of them. Certainly, I know life goes on and all of us would move on. Perhaps one day I can come to terms with his passing. But that doesn't mean I have forgotten him. Yes he lives on in my memories...so many memories, and more than memories in fact. I know it will always hurt, be it two years or twenty years. For me at least.

My grandmom had grown gaunt and weak. She can't eat, she can't sleep, and she can't stop crying. At times, she talked to us normally, at others, she seemed to be lost in her own world. What was worse was that during the nights at the funeral, or during the wee hours of the morning, my grandmom would pull a chair up beside my grandad's coffin. She would talk to him, and even sing to him. A very particular song that I don't understand (language/dialect). She would sob and tear, but she would sing it repeatedly, over and over again. I will never ever forget that scene for the rest of my life.

We were worried for her, that her physical and mental health would not be able to take it. We could only pray that she will pull herself together and get better after the funeral. But the final day of the funeral was what we feared most. The bands played my grandad's favourite songs, everyone was inconsolable. My grandmom practically had to be held back as the procession moved away. I could still see her collapsing in a heap as the rest of us went on our way to the crematorium.

That cold and emotionless crematorium. Quiet on the surface, but with so much angst and tears deep within. That dreaded moment when we had to witness the coffin rolling into the furnace. Why do they make us watch? I hated to, I didn't want to, yet a part of me refused to give up the last opportunity to see my grandad for the very last time. I just didn't want to tear my eyes away. I so desperately wanted to hang on to a last ditch, but fruitless effort of having him in my life still. This time, I saw my dad's strong surface cracked. I saw his reddened eyes, his tears rolling down hard and fast. This time, he didn't bother to brush them away. His roughened hands clenched into tight fists by his side.

Everything was so surreal...still is. People may assume a finality or closure with the end of the funeral. But I am never able to talk about my grandad's passing without crying. My grandad's passing had opened our eyes to alot of things; revealed the true colours of some snakes within the family, and taught me something I had always known, but taken for granted. His death had also shown us a side to things that we've never known, never seen. Things would never be the same for me again.