Ultra funny!

Amidst all the stress and craziness...this is something really funny. You know how universities always got the undergrads to do lecturer/tutor-surveys at the end of the semester? Yeah, this "originated" from there...just that the lecturer decided to put it up for his students to see...I did have humourous lecturers back in uni, but man...I wish I had lecturers like this one! Do watch it!

Grey-er still

It warmed me a great deal when he is willing to make that promise to me. Even though I told him I can't commit as much to him as he can to me; even though I was still nursing some wounds. He said all it mattered to him was that I was happy, that so long as I don't dislike him, he wants me to give him a chance. I never thought I was capable of making someone want to take care of me. He is just so ever-giving, so compromising to me. Honestly, I was blown over, so overwhelmed, so touched.

I thought things would be blissful and happiness would follow. All of us deserve happiness, don't we. But what happens when we become the cause of someone else's misery...that we are why they cannot be happy.

I am seriously afraid of doing just that. In fact, I feel that I already am doing that. And it really is not fair to him. Much as he said it was ok with him; at first I thought I could live with that, and eventually I will try, I will learn to do my part over time. But now, I find that I can't live with myself that way. He is just so nice and accomodating to me. And that made me feel worse. Apart from feeling real bad, I really feel as if I'm living a lie. Which I am actually.

It's really not fair to him; and I'm not happy. The better he treats me, the worse I feel, seriously. And it has made me afraid to see him. Because I don't want him to be nice to me. I don't want him to have the opportunity to be nice to me. Drama rite...literally like soap opera. I don't want it this way..but why is it that I just can't have a proper life like anyone else? Why do I have to go thru all these tumultous hills and valleys...When I don't have love, I yearn and crave for it. When I do, I turn it away. Sorry God, but...dammit...why is my life so messed up?

Grey & Rainy

For days and weeks, I've been wanting to know the answer, but have always been afraid to ask, for fear of a negative answer.

Tonite was the last session of Disciple's Prayer Life (DPL), and the Pastor dropped by to pray for each of us. She said something that touched me...not that I didn't know about it beforehand, but just somehow, the meaning of it struck me more this time.

She said the fear of God, and not fear of man or anything else, should take precedence in our lives, in all that we do. And this feeling of comfort just came thru me, taking away the jitters and butterflies in my stomach.

So somehow, I mustered my courage to ask the questions that have been plaguing me, that I've been wanting to know the answer.

But when I finally heard the answer...well, it wasn't exactly answers that I want to hear. Of all those questions that I've been asking, each time I got a positive answer, the answer that I want, and I felt like I was floating on cloud 9. But not this time. Before I sent the sms out, I actually searched within myself...how would I feel/react if I didn't get the answer I want..Of coz, reality hasn't hit..and I felt that I can handle it. No big deal, I can handle it. That was how I reassured myself.

Truth is, you can never get used to pain. You can never get used to hurt. And when it hits, wave after wave, you just stagger back further and further, unable to stop tumbling. Flail ur hands as you may, nothing helps. You just keep falling, until the waves die..and that's when you pick yourself up. It doesn't mean you stop hurting..at the kindest, it probably means just simply means u are back to where u had begun initially. And of course, the other school of thought is that your hurt has maximised, and your wound is at the most painful. And even if you have picked yourself up, it doesn't mean u have learnt to let go or learnt your lesson and ready to move back on...it probably just signifies that you have stopped falling, and have stood up, trying to decide "what next?"

I'm probably still at the tumbling over stage. I dunno when I will pick myself up...I dunno when I will come to the juncture where I can ask myself that question. But I know I'm still a long way off.

It's kinda "amusing"...it's like the book by one of my favourite authors, Mitch Albom - Tuesdays with Morrie...each time I ask questions, it's always on Mondays. That kinda hurts...