It warmed me a great deal when he is willing to make that promise to me. Even though I told him I can't commit as much to him as he can to me; even though I was still nursing some wounds. He said all it mattered to him was that I was happy, that so long as I don't dislike him, he wants me to give him a chance. I never thought I was capable of making someone want to take care of me. He is just so ever-giving, so compromising to me. Honestly, I was blown over, so overwhelmed, so touched.
I thought things would be blissful and happiness would follow. All of us deserve happiness, don't we. But what happens when we become the cause of someone else's misery...that we are why they cannot be happy.
I am seriously afraid of doing just that. In fact, I feel that I already am doing that. And it really is not fair to him. Much as he said it was ok with him; at first I thought I could live with that, and eventually I will try, I will learn to do my part over time. But now, I find that I can't live with myself that way. He is just so nice and accomodating to me. And that made me feel worse. Apart from feeling real bad, I really feel as if I'm living a lie. Which I am actually.
It's really not fair to him; and I'm not happy. The better he treats me, the worse I feel, seriously. And it has made me afraid to see him. Because I don't want him to be nice to me. I don't want him to have the opportunity to be nice to me. Drama rite...literally like soap opera. I don't want it this way..but why is it that I just can't have a proper life like anyone else? Why do I have to go thru all these tumultous hills and valleys...When I don't have love, I yearn and crave for it. When I do, I turn it away. Sorry God, but...dammit...why is my life so messed up?
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