Have you ever wished to live someone else's life?
I did.
And I don't mean a rich man / woman's life...yeah I mean, who doesn't want to try that sort of lifestyle?
Me...I've always wanted to live someone's life, at different points in my life. Sometimes it would be a classmate's, because he/she is so smart and always aceing their exams, I want to feel how that feels...or an adult who seems to be enjoying life, buying anything she fancies...or a friend who has a job that he/she loves and is having fun with it, while drawing a comfortable salary (ideal!)...or basically, just being that friend of yours who seems to have everything...career, family, a life.
Of course, by now any sensible person would know that some people are just born lucky. Everything smooth-sailing, or that their troubles are nothing like yours...while there are those who had to work doubly hard and sacrifice far more, to achieve what they have.
Similarly, I've always wondered if there has been anyone who wishes for MY life. I think on the whole, my journey has been alright. Not the best, but I do not it could have been worse...or that there are others who have it worse than I did. I've made mistakes in my life, some which have made me a better person and I'm thankful for. But there are those too that I've screwed up pretty ugly. Stuff that I wished I never did, stuff which I have no wish to remember either. They are parts of my life I want to bury, that I wished they would just rot and decompose, and never surface again.
I feel I'm currently standing at a sort of cross-roads in my life now, unsure where and how to proceed. Before this, I thought I was sure about my direction...where and what next. Today...all I can utter is I really don't know. I don't know what the future holds for me. And that's scaring me coz I'm not a teenager waiting to enter jc or uni, who has ample time to decide. I'm nearing thirties (a scary thought), and the fear that I will not achieve much is a fear in itself.
Three close friends of mine (they don't know each other) have told me about themselves and "aspirations" - they have no wish to climb the corporate ladder. They are content to have a stable job, stable income...sort of like, they won't go hungry, although they wouldn't strike big fortune either. They reckoned they would get promotions and such, but probably they would remain in the middle management at the most...and they are happy. I'm not saying I'm not like that...but a part of me wants more than that. A part of me wants to be a career woman, like one of those you see in dramas or movies, juggling family and a big-ass career. Thing is, I really am not sure if I'm like that, if I'm cut out for the corporate game, if I can survive the corporate intricacies. Bcoz as it is now, I can't take it already. I'm the "nice" character who can't stand up for herself, and can only wish for the best that people will be nice and not bully her. SO...what happens when the contrary happens? Well it's already happening.
I'm beginning to doubt my own abilities. I kinda feel like I'm a jack of all trades, but master of none. I have a few skills, but they aren't good enough to make me a specialist. Yet, I don't know enough / variety of skills, to make me a "jack of all trades" either. And that's making me scared...what's to become of me? Some say, you don't try, you don't know...but what if I had to try alot of times? At this rate, I'll always be stuck at this level - going round and round, not moving up nor on. I'll never progress, whether personally or in my career. Have I actually been thinking too highly of myself? Or at least more than what I really can offer?
