I'm supposed to be asleep by now, coz I've got to cover an event early tomoro morning...two actually, one after another...so I've got to rush like mad. But just feel that I have to blog this, before I forget or the feeling changes again.
As some would know by now, I've been going out with someone. Not that I'm in an official relationship as yet...just dating, occasionally going out that sort. But we spend really alot of time on the phone. He calls me at certain times of the day everyday, and we just chat. And we chat just about anything under the sun, from lame and crappy stuff to more serious stuff. It's just a matter of being able to click, and I guess it's nice that we do share the same frequency...for now at least. He's not the super intellectual sort (that would be what we call normal), and I do enjoy the times when I "know" more than him, bcoz otherwise he knows alot more than I do (He's older and been through more).
He makes me laugh alot (and that matters alot to me), he's nice and sweet and cares in his own ways. By that, I mean there are still times when he can be abit "duh". But generally he's good enuff (can be better...Heee). It's the little things that people bothers to note/do, that I think matters. I mean, it's nice to get nice, big presents...but I don't need expensive stuff all the time. You would make me feel like I'm after your money, in fact, which I certainly am not. He buys little things that I like for me (eg. candy...I love candy, btw). He's not the medieval type of gentleman (I think that would freak me out too), but he has his gentlemanly ways - from everyday stuff like opening the doors for me, to shielding me when it gets too crowded, or holding my hand when we cross a busy road.
I still remember the other day, when he got kinda upset that it was late and I wasn't home yet. Before that, I hadn't told him where I would be (I went to watch a movie with some friends, a last min arrangement). I hadn't got word to him (I actually forgot...hee) and he tried calling couple of times and smsing me when I was in the cinema. When I finally did call him bck, he sounded kind of peeved. And when I still didn't come clean with him about where I was, he sounded as though he was ready to ignore me (in anger). I was frightened, yes...but kinda happy too. =)
All these everyday, little things adds up to a nice comfy picture. I do like him, yes (not love)...he has the ability to make me forget myself, and open myself to him...He can really make me laugh (even over the fone); he makes me happy; he gives me a sense of security, protected and cared for (not totally, but can't expect THAT much at this point)...I look forward to talking to him everyday...I look forward to those calls. I look forward to those days when we are going to meet (generally only twice a week coz I'm busy and he's a gd son...nvm what I mean by that); I enjoy those times when we plan what to do/where to go the nx time. And I like it too when he sings to me even.
....But there are times when I asked myself when all these will end. I dunno why, but somehow, I'm much more pessimistic and wary of people than I used to be. I used to be pessimistic, but I know how to look to the bright side and comfort myself still. And I certainly wasn't wary of people. I embraced everyone I met (new or old friends) as someone I can hit off and talked to. Now...I'm just wondering if that person has some ulterior motives.
Perhaps it's just what I've seen happened to other people around me. Perhaps it's just what I've gone through myself too...Some bad experiences, some not-so-nice happenings. I've realised that I'm beginning to thnk the worse of people, sometimes on the first instance. I dun like myself this way, and I certianly didn't used to be like that.
Even now, I do ask myself still if he has any ulterior motives. Or will things sour after a couple of weeks more? And to make matters worse, it just doesn't stop there...I've also "discovered" that recently I tire of things and people easily. Horrors of all horrors...this is something I've realised lately, and yes, of coz I hate myself this way. Coz I'm afraid that before I know it, I will wake up one day and discovered that to my ire, I've tire of him, tire of everything to do with him. It's not just a matter of not wanting things to end (Of coz I don't want all these to end), but on a larger picture, it points to a bigger problem on my end - why am I behaving like that?
Well, mabbe I'm just thinking too much. Mabbe I'm complicating matters. Mabbe I shouldn't trouble myself with these unnec questions. Let things run their own course, for better or for worse. Let's just hope that the day will never come that I say, "I think I'm tired of the way things are".
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