Life's Vulnerabilities

Have you ever wished to live someone else's life?

I did.

And I don't mean a rich man / woman's life...yeah I mean, who doesn't want to try that sort of lifestyle?

Me...I've always wanted to live someone's life, at different points in my life. Sometimes it would be a classmate's, because he/she is so smart and always aceing their exams, I want to feel how that feels...or an adult who seems to be enjoying life, buying anything she fancies...or a friend who has a job that he/she loves and is having fun with it, while drawing a comfortable salary (ideal!)...or basically, just being that friend of yours who seems to have everything...career, family, a life.

Of course, by now any sensible person would know that some people are just born lucky. Everything smooth-sailing, or that their troubles are nothing like yours...while there are those who had to work doubly hard and sacrifice far more, to achieve what they have.

Similarly, I've always wondered if there has been anyone who wishes for MY life. I think on the whole, my journey has been alright. Not the best, but I do not it could have been worse...or that there are others who have it worse than I did. I've made mistakes in my life, some which have made me a better person and I'm thankful for. But there are those too that I've screwed up pretty ugly. Stuff that I wished I never did, stuff which I have no wish to remember either. They are parts of my life I want to bury, that I wished they would just rot and decompose, and never surface again.

I feel I'm currently standing at a sort of cross-roads in my life now, unsure where and how to proceed. Before this, I thought I was sure about my direction...where and what next. Today...all I can utter is I really don't know. I don't know what the future holds for me. And that's scaring me coz I'm not a teenager waiting to enter jc or uni, who has ample time to decide. I'm nearing thirties (a scary thought), and the fear that I will not achieve much is a fear in itself.

Three close friends of mine (they don't know each other) have told me about themselves and "aspirations" - they have no wish to climb the corporate ladder. They are content to have a stable job, stable income...sort of like, they won't go hungry, although they wouldn't strike big fortune either. They reckoned they would get promotions and such, but probably they would remain in the middle management at the most...and they are happy. I'm not saying I'm not like that...but a part of me wants more than that. A part of me wants to be a career woman, like one of those you see in dramas or movies, juggling family and a big-ass career. Thing is, I really am not sure if I'm like that, if I'm cut out for the corporate game, if I can survive the corporate intricacies. Bcoz as it is now, I can't take it already. I'm the "nice" character who can't stand up for herself, and can only wish for the best that people will be nice and not bully her. SO...what happens when the contrary happens? Well it's already happening.

I'm beginning to doubt my own abilities. I kinda feel like I'm a jack of all trades, but master of none. I have a few skills, but they aren't good enough to make me a specialist. Yet, I don't know enough / variety of skills, to make me a "jack of all trades" either. And that's making me scared...what's to become of me? Some say, you don't try, you don't know...but what if I had to try alot of times? At this rate, I'll always be stuck at this level - going round and round, not moving up nor on. I'll never progress, whether personally or in my career. Have I actually been thinking too highly of myself? Or at least more than what I really can offer?

Loved, and Lost...

I lost 2 boyfriends in one night...

that's drama fit for dreams la ~

or nightmare, if you'll have it

You know how weird / illogical dreams can be...so don't ask "how come" or "why lidat"...coz it just is. Ok ok...it beats me too...so, just leave it at that. Here goes: In my dream... ... ... ...

Venue, somehow it revolved around cck / bt. panjang area, which is nearer to where I'm currently staying, than where I used to be staying in secondary school. There's this particular overhead bridge that I was climbing a couple of times in the dream...up and down, over and over again. A couple of characters featured in the dream, most of them from secondary school...of course, we still are friends now, but that's beside the point. My bestest friends, but featuring more prominently is Net and Hui...for good reason I supposd. Net perhaps coz she was close to my ex-bf, hui perhaps coz she's attending the same church as ex-bf now. Then there's Amy too, perhaps coz she hung around ex-bf quite a fair bit. Honestly, I can't remember what the dream was about...just that I had a quarrel with ex-bf, and he went off to marry some other girl (Both of which are true, except that each happened in different spatial periods). Then after the quarrel, I saw my other bf (current bf in reality) with another girl. Eh, how I come to have two bfs, don't ask me. I stress - I'm NOT like that, I don't two-time.

Inconsequential dream you say. I agree...but you know how sometimes you just wake up from a dream / nightmare thinking it's true because it's just so real? Well this was one example. I woke up feeling sad and all alone. Honestly, what came to my mind first was the fact that ex-bf is getting married in two months' time. I did feel a tinge of sadness, because of what could have been. But...I'm not going there anymore. I've gone thru that before, and I'm not about to regurgitate everything again. Then I remembered my current bf was in the dream as well, and how he had another girl? Thankfully, before I felt sorrier for myself, I recalled that bf still belongs to me =)

I do wish ex-bf the best of coz...wish him happiness and bliss, wholeheartedly. I'm pretty sure the ex has moved on...But for me, he equates to my life's hits and misses. Honestly...I really have no idea how I would feel seeing him walk down the aisle on his big day with his bride. Don't get me wrong, I love my bf totally, wholeheartedly...I have a soft spot for him. But...this ex-bf is not any ex; he's my first bf. It was puppy love, but the innocence of it, the memories of everything...he just holds a special place in my heart. It's not love...but it's just something I can't / find hard to let go of.

some really random post...

1. Tears

2. Music

...Combine the two and I suppose that will do for me too...

I just turn on the aircon (cool me down, physically and psychologically), blast the music...if it's a sad song, I cry buckets...if it's a 'happy' tune, well, I sing along and feel better afterwards...that is of coz, I don't skip that song..or if the next song is not a sad song and put me in some sappy mood again...

Hmm..sometimes sleep does wonders too =)

Are you the carrot, egg or coffee bean?

A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life, and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it, and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved a new one arose.

Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water. In the first pot, she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs and the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil without saying a word. In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl.

Turning to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me what do you see?" "Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied. She brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they got soft. She then asked her to take the egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg. Finally, she asked her to smell and sip the coffee. The daughter smiled, as she smelled and tasted its rich aroma. The daughter then asked, "What's the point, mother?"

Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity- boiling water-but each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior. But, after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water they had changed the water.

"Which are you?" she asked her daughter. "When trials and adversity knock on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg, or a coffee bean?"

So, which are you?

The carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity, wilt and become soft and lose its strength?

The egg that starts with a passive heart, but changes with the heat? Do you have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a financial hardship or some other trial, become hardened and stiff? Does your shell look the same, but on the inside, are you bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and a hardened heart?

Or, are you like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you become better and change the situation around you.

When the hours are the darkest and trials are their greatest do you elevate to another level?

just for laughs...

Courtesy of one of my morning presenters -

One day, Siew Mai was bored and decided to invite Man Tou to the movies. They decided on a comedy, and once inside, Siew Mai could hardly control his emotions - he laughed hard at all the funny scenes, he shed tears when parts of it got emotional...but all these while, Man Tou showed no emotion at all...Do you know why?

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Coz Man Tou has no FEE-LING! )ie. filling)

~ haha

So, the rather pissed Siew Mai decided that Man Tou was no fun to go out with, and decided to enjoy the movie with another...this time, he invited Da-Bao to the show, and...........whenever Siew Mai laughed, Da Bao laughed louder. Whenever Siew Mai cried, Da-Bao wept louder. Hmm...why?

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Coz Da-Bao has more FEE-LING!! (ie. filling)

SO...Siew Mai thought - too drama, don't wanna go to the movies with Da-Bao..so he decided to invite Dou Sha Bao this time. At the movies, Dou Sha Bao laughed at the appropriate times, cried when things got too emotional...nothing over the top. BUT ~ Siew Mai sat through the entire show expression-less, motion-less! WHY?

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C'mon, wouldn't you be if you sat through the same movie 3 times?! -.-

~hahahaha...duh~

a blessing for journalism

May the God who said "Let there be light",
bless us in our search for truth and our quest to bring light to dark places.

May God give us the grace to resist the temptation to create a story with little regard for truth,
to assassinate character with little regard for mercy,
to slant reports with little regard for accuracy,
in order to curry favour or earn dishonest reward.

May God give us inspiration,
to tell the truth as we see it without favour,
to report oppression and violence without fear,
to stand by the innocent and defend the right, to encourage the good and denounce the evil.

May we recognise the power of the word,
and not use that power irresponsibly,
nor for personal gain,
but rather for the welfare of the community as a whole,
and particularly, the hungry, the homeless and the poor.

May we find a blessing as we write courageously to give true pictures,
as we seek to bring hope where there is despair,
as we influence people to search for truth,
as we increase understanding of issues,
and as we contribute to the happiness of all.

May God, the compassionate and loving Creator,
protect us in times of danger,
guide us in situations of perplexity,
uphold us in the experience of failure,
and encourage us in times of success.

John Johansen-Berg, England
(from the book "A world of Blessing: Benedictions from every continent and many cultures, compiled by Geoffrey Duncan)

~Yeah...right

Just a thought...

I completed a story book lately - "The Book of Lost Things" by John Connolly...It's a fantasy story, but quite an interesting read. Fantasy stories are not something I would pick up generally; it all depends. I got to know of this book through Borders e-newsletter, and I read its synopsis, which didn't sound too bad. At some stages, it did keep me gripped, so quite something I enjoyed. So if you are keen, go for it.

Well I'm not plugging the book, just something that occurred to me after I completed the book. A similarity I shared with the boy in the story. Well, he was an only child and his mom's life was slowly ebbing away due to cancer. He came to this conclusion that something can be done about it, and it was all up to him. It started out innocently enough; he just did his playing and games quietly so as not to disturb his mom's rest, and basically he felt that if he did some things a certain way, if he did certain things in a particular / routine way, he can keep his mom's illness at bay. So it came right down to the point where he would wake up in the morning and get out of bed on the right side; he would take a certain number of steps (even, not odd - odd numbers were deemed evil) to go to the bathroom; he would brush his teeth a certain number of times (even still); chew his food a certain number of times (even again)...stuff like that. And if he had bumped his head accidentally on the left side, he would bump it on the right just to make it even..and if he thought he had bumped twice instead of the designated once, he would bump it once again, or any number of times necessary to make it even-numbered and so on; the things he would do...

When I was reading the book, it occurred to me that he seem to have some compulsive disorder. Then I realised that I was a little like that too..and still am sometimes. I thought even numbers were good and odd was bad; and instead of an "obsession" with numbers, I was stuck on routine habits - like doing certain things in a certain way so that I would have a smoothsailing day that day. But I stopped that bad habit after I came to Christ. He, after all, is whom I believe to be in control of my life, not some silly chance thing. In any case, I thought, if doing certain things routinely will get me through a day well, then it's probably the devil at work, that I had to panter to his likes. Haha..well, I caught myself doing that still actually. Not that I believe otherwise now, but I supposed I just sort of fell into habit again. Oh well. Just thought how differently it had looked when it's someone else's story, and how "I'm not like that" or "I certainly don't have any disorders!"...but really, isn't the similarity a tad too uncanny? haha...WELL, I know I DON'T have any disorder =)

News

Did I ever mention that I enjoy reading other people's blogs? Heh...not really surprising, since I'm so kaypoh...I also enjoy pouring out my woes and happiness through my blog. But somehow along the way, I seem to have either lost interest, or at a loss of words, literally. And I'm sure many of us have encounter this - have lotsa things running through our minds, have a great idea what to blog about, then totally forgot about it when sitting in front of the computer. Yeah, that feeling kinda sux doesn't it.

This time, I let my hands do the talking - I opened an empty post, and just typed away. I guess that's what we mean when we say it's good not to have to think sometimes =)

Anyways, I was watching the telly just the other day when something I learnt in school flashed through my mind.

It all started with me wondering how come I'm blogging so much lesser now than the beginning when I first started. I did mention that my unforgiving hours had alot to do with it. Well it's still true, just that I wondered about the possibility if I had become bored...like, the novelty has worn off? Or even "de-sensitised"?

Yeah, "de-sensitisation" is a concept I picked up from a module last semester. Desensitisation basically means that if you've gone through alot of a particular something which used to irks you, frightens you, or whatever it is, you outgrown from it. This psychology concept is used in media study to explain how kids, for example, after having watched much violence on tv, becames "desensitised", that they may begin to accept that it's ok to be violent, or they are no longer turned off by it when they see it the next time.

AND one thing led to another, I wondered if I'm desensitised when it comes to news. Ok, here's what I mean. Everyone of us has a role in the news process; we are either the ones who PASS the news from around the world to viewers, or we are the ones who RECEIVES the news. In a way, we play both roles at different times don't we? We tune in to tv news and become a viewer, and when we tell our friends about the brutal murder in Japan, or that funny office-chair competition in Germany, we pass the news along.

But for those of us who work in a newsroom, it's kinda diffferent. We are SURROUNDED by news. It's an exciting place to be at, especially during times of breaking news. But it's also made me wonder if that is making me desensitised.

Just yesterday, I was doing a piece of news about how improverished families in Manila Philippines had to turn to re-cooking trash for food. They live in abject poverty - earning less than 200 pesos (about US$5) but having to feed the entire family. To top off, rising inflation has encroached into their income, making things worse. Basically, they scavenge for food in the trash; and a kind of trade from this has evolved - buying and selling trash. Literally, what's one's trash is another's treasure. You can go here for a better idea: http://www.probetv.com/search_result.php?search_id=Payatas

In any case, that wasn't the wire I was working with. I had footage of this mother who sifts through the trash, picks out chicken wing bones (with bits of meat still remaining) and fries them for her children. Sizzling chicken frying in the wok; you'd never have guessed. The footage is far more poignant than my description...hair-raising. One kid commented that she loves the chicken. I mean you think about it, for the poor who could hardly put food on the table, chicken wings are a treat! But this is just so wrong...and sad.

When I was looking through it, I cringed when I saw the kids clamouring for a piece of chicken (or whatever was left on the bone)...then I felt sad for them...then, sort of nothing. I mean as in, after I was done, I left the place and forgot about it. It's wrong to be feeling this way, I know it. People who cared enough perhaps would have done something more. Or maybe it's the sentiment that one man's effort is not enough to change things. Whatever it is...I don't want to be desensitised. Being able to feel for the story and the people whose story you're telling, is very important. You can't tell a story well if you don't believe in it. News today is rather subjective. As in, reporters subtly input their emotions or agenda, and make you feel what they want you to feel through the way they craft the story. Ethical concerns aside, it does give a human side to stories, or give an alternative view to political brawls between countries.

One can never be bored with news, because no two piece of news is the same. But it just sort of made me wonder if having written too much of a particular type of news will make one (or me) feel nothing for it...and end up simply chewing-and-spitting-out the facts that's all.

Exam Blues =(

I know I have been updating in the most sporadic manner...and this probably counts as one of the most unusual time to be updating my blog...coz I'm sitting for the dreaded exam tomorrow.

Bummer.

Well, I really should not be blogging, but studying...especially considering that I'm super ill-prepared this semester. Remember how I was saying that last sem was bad? Well I'm not so sure which is worse now. For all you know, this could possibly be worse. After all, this module this sem is harder. Although it's open-book...but you know what's the deal with open-books...it's trickier and possibly even harder. I don't know. I just have this sense of forebidding, that's been plaguing me since god-knows-when. Yeah...God...help! I know all that promise I made last sem, sort of flew out of the window. I've just gotten so slack in the process. I supposed adapting to this new work schedule of unearthly hours has taken a toll on me. On top of that, I think I just didn't start revision, or take leave early enuff. AND once again...all I'm asking for is a miracle pass...yeah, even a pass is a miracle. Coz I think I wrote crap for my term paper; presentation wasn't good...haiz.

Anyways, I got "inspired" to blog this coz of Ben...honestly, he's been updating his blog ever so often...like, every 2-3 days? -.- that fellow's a scholar la. Well that aside...he talked about what he's gonna do once exams are over (can check out his blog link on the side panel...I'm too lazy to link now. heh). Well, I supposed EVERY one of us have big plans what we wanna do.

Me....

1. I didn't shop much this month...heh, wait! That doesn't mean I'm gonna do it okies. It was just a passing remark off the head. Anyways...mabbe I would just go browse or window-shop or something. Nothing hardcore..haha..just..you know, browse, and if I see somehting I like, well and good. Hee...

2. I need to exercise! Think I'm puting on the pounds. I'm feeling very uncomfortable about my body now. Physically I mean. Geez...I'm just so lazy.

3. I need to catch up with ..."stuff". Things that I'm supposed to do and lay my hands on, but I've either procrastinated too much, or it just simply wasn't on my agenda; aka, forgot. Ahem. Let's see...things like photos? prezzies? Oh boy there're just so many.

4. Housekeeping...all round in my room, table, wardrobe, etc...even my mobile disk! Things are just getting so untidy in that little black box that it irks me so to see my things all over the place. Grrrr.

5. Of coz, there's still the catching-up I would need to do. I seem to have neglected ppl...first up, I intend to go bck n visit my ex-offc peeps. Then calling the various grp of ppl. Or mabbe wait for some others to date me too. Haa.

6. Erh...I've no idea what's next. But I'm feeling guilty about my revision again, so I shall just leave it at this and not rack my brains anymore.

In the meantime, chaos...wish me luck, and pray for me. I need it!

Wish Tuesday were here...

I'm so angry with you...you've made me so upset.


I can't let go of the thought of you and how mean you've been.


And you keep doing things to upset me.


All you ever say is just "then what you expect me to do"...or "Can you don't be angry anymore"


But much as I hate to admit this...
I do miss you loads.


I just wish you'll come back soon. =(

Never trust ME

omg..it's april already..just like that, four months of a "brand new" year have flashed by. I'm going to have my exams soon. As I've been telling everyone, this sem is a goner. I've not done any readngs...and I've only applied for 4-days leave (was 5, but had to go bck that one day coz I'm supposed to be on training that day...it's "compulsory" *roll eyes*) I don't think I can accomplish much in that four days rite? now I wish I had applied for more. You may be wondering what the problem is...just apply now loh...well mister n missy, it's not as easy as that..especially when we have a roster to adhere to, and as it is, we'r getting really shorthanded.

Sigh.

I'm getting scared..last thing I want is an F grade or something..I would hate to think I'd get an ugly but pass grade displayed on my transcript, but now I think I would appreciate the "ugly" grade anyday than an F grade.

As it is, I'm supposed to be on leave today, rushing out a term paper that's due on Monday. I've not done anything (That's not surprising anymore isn't it?)...absolutely nothing..no readings, no research. All I have is a hastily put together proposal which was handed in couple of weeks ago. My lecturer replied with some comments, sayign that my reading list is not concrete enough. I know that too! But I just can't seem to find anything substantial on the topic! God I hate this.

After I came home yesterday (thursday), I was so tired (as usual), so I thought, ok, I'll go get some zz then mabbe wake up and get started. THEN, I woke up and surfed net, watched tv and thought...hmm, nvm, I'll get started tomoro...afterall, with enough rest and zz, I can wake fresh and bright and get started. As it is, it's friday, I woke up 11am (which is almost close to the time I would have knocked off from work anyway) and comforted myself: I know it's late, but hey, I would have come home tired and wanting to zz if I had gone to work today! Now, I can concentrate and get started. Once again, I procrastinated and lazed and surfed net. FINALLY, I opened my word application, took out some notes.

I know...I should have known better than to trust myself.

Ehh...what can I say?

Hmm...it's been such a long time since I've last blogged...really no time..otherwise no mood..but suddenly I have the mood now...heh

Well let's see..mabbe a short post now..after all, I'm waiting for bf to get home before we go out..I was supposed to do some reading just now, but I was too tired and fell asleep. Woke up and it was dusk..caught a bit of tv, and here I am now.

That's the kind of life I lead now - waking up wee hours of the morning every weekday, getting home in the afternoon, have lunch and nap, wake up evening/night, do dinner, sleep again to get ready to go to work. Strangely, I work the same number of hours as I've used to, I sleep same/lesser number of hours now, but I don't get the same time to spend with my books. Seriously, I'm in deep trouble this semester. I'm lacking so far behind my readings, submitted a proposal for term paper (which I have no idea what I wrote), followed by term paper, then there's the pair presentation this coming Mon (nothing's done, dunno how to do), group project coming up...oh good lord...I feel myself fainting le...

Life hasn't been that easy, seriously; working in the news room is fast-paced...and difficult. It's tough to adapt, especially when I have to re-learn alot of things...in fact, EVERYTHING. I've no relevant experience to talk about, since I used to come from the print media. It's totally different. Even the way I have to write, tv news is just different from print.

There've been times I've done well, times when I've messed up..it's all part of the learning curve. Like what one of the seniors in my team tells me -- the team didn't have a newcomer for so long, that they've forgotten how to nurture and teach someone. yeah. that someone is me loh. Haha..sigh..

I dunno how things are gonna be..but I'm just taking a "let nature takes its course" mentality. I haven't really decided/deduced if this job, or even this industry is really for me..Just have to "test" it out further and see the outcome. Am I being too pessimistic?

What about now? Perhaps there was nothing to begin with

Shadows fill an empty heart
As love is fading,
From all the things that we are
But are not saying.
Can we see beyond the scars
And make it to the dawn?
Change the colors of the sky.
And open up to
The ways you made me feel alive,
The ways I loved you.
For all the things that never died,
To make it through the night,
Love will find you.
What about now?
What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love never went away?
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?
Before it's too late,
What about now?

You never knew.