During the last two years of study, I was every bit the student - the lazy one I mean - watching tv, reading newspapers, surfing the net, etc., anything, but doing my revision. Right up to the time when my exams were round the corner, I was still lazing and procrastinating. I wished for another hour, another minute, another second, just to read one more page, surfed one more website. And it didn't help that my working hours were weird - the other half of my time were spent catching up on sleep. Not many hours left for me to do anything else.
Today, free from exams, free from revision...I've lost interest in the tv, the newspaper, the internet. Haa. Not that I missed studying. That, not yet. A little background here - it was because I found life getting meaningless and monotonous, so to spice things up a lil', I went to pursue higher studies. Of coz, once I was in it, it was a whole new ball game, whole new situation for me to whine about. Anyways, talking about my situation now. I've kinda, lost interest in everything all over again. It's like, I'm back to where I was two years ago, trying to find something to occupy myself, trying to find meaning again. Nothing seems to interest me so far. Got me thinking to the bigger picture - is my dissatisfaction with life because I don't find satisfaction in whatever I'm doing now? Maybe. Back to the work-issue struggle - I longed for normal working hours. Days when I can sleep late at night (I used to sleep at 1 or 2am, wake up for work at about 8am), and still get enough sleep. But this job, sleeping late meant going to bed at 11pm (I wake up at 2am..means I severely lack sleep everyday)? C'mon...that used to be like primetime for me. And having to go to bed early means I no longer have a social life. I can't go exercise, catch up with friends, do dinners, or even go shopping by myself.
No doubt, every job has its perks. Going to work early meant company pays for my cab fares, knocking off when the whole world is working means I get to save $ (plus, I go home for lunch...lagi save more)...But I think at this point, I've come to the conclusion that its perks still do not cover its flaws. Sigh. And I so hate myself for whining and not being able to do anything about it. My friends say, "what's so tough? Go get another job if you're not happy!". Many times I wonder why too. Yes, it is that simple, so why am I making things difficult for myself? I guess the answer is fear of the unknown. First up, I have no idea what I want to do next, so in that sense I don't have a goal to look forward to, or work towards. Plus, I'm hesitant - coz the newsroom is where I've always wanted to be. I don't want to leave it and regret. With that, I guess it brings on a whole host of other issues and considerations. Like, what makes me think the next job I land, I'll be satisfied or happy? How will I know if the same issues won't occur? Or, am I sure I'm up to it? Willingness to learn and having a good attitude, do not equate to aptitude. To which, my friends retort, "you don't try, you won't know". True again. I guess I'm just too....worrisome. I think too much of what ifs. Guess I'm just cautious. I just don't want to disappoint myself.
Well, look at the time now - it's 10.15pm. Time for bed =/
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