Late-night ramblings

Nursing a mild flu, but can't really sleep. I guess it must hve something to do with the fact that I'm on medical leave tomorrow (therefore don't have to work)...can't bear to go to bed. I was on leave the last couple days...since last weds. Guess I didn't treasure the days off, till it's too late. Having flu is no fun, but I guess this flu did in a way, come at a good time. THen again, MCs are usually treasured stuff.

Was just surfing my FB account, after playing my usual restaurant city. Went to look at some friends' photos and stuff...and suddenly thought of some friends whom I haven't heard, or even seen their updates on FB. Not even a tag of their pics or something. So...on impulse, I sent one of such friends, a short message, asking him how he's doing. I guess the last time I "talked" to him (and it was through sms...blame technology I guess) was...last year? or was it at least 2 years back, when he wished me a happy birthday through sms. I don't remember how I responded, but I guess I must have just said thank you, or something polite. Anyway, the thought of him tonight sort of made me recall how we used to talk or went out on dates. But I guess things didn't work out, and to avoid unnecessary misunderstandings, I had decided to cut the communication, to simply hi-byes.

I don't know...was I too callous? We went out a couple of times...He was a nice guy, really..it seemed as though something was going to happen between us. But I guess he was tooooo nice. Not that I want him to be evil or something. But I guess for me, I just have this issue about guys who are too nice, and will-get-bullied sort. (Ask my current bf...that was one of the main reasons I had rejected him years ago..haha..though he may not remember it >.<) Anyways...this guy, he was so nice, he didn't get mad at me at all, even when he'd figured out I was erm...using him. Using him as a substitute, in a way. I had my heart broken by another guy who had commitment issues (talk about the irony), and this guy was there for me. He went out with me when I was bored, talked to me coz I couldn't sleep, spent money on stuff he usually wouldn't (he was quite a thrifty squirrel). Till the point it dawned on me what I was really doing to my life, and his (I swear I had no intention of "playing" him..I had thought him n me would work out). I could still remember vividly what he had told me, when I tried to explain things to him, and apologise. He told me he knew he was only a substitute, and that it was a matter of time before I would realise, and things between us would change. Gawd...the guilt I had felt was so tremendous...I really had nothing to say. I couldn't even bring myself to say sorry now. Coz it felt like sorry would never be enough. I mean, it was like, the guy gave his heart totally, even though he knew we will never be. How I could be so mean, I can't fathom either. I hope he truly finds someone he deserves.

Yup so... ... just wondering how he's doing now.

Whatever.

Had another tiff with the bf. Yes, key word here is "another". And I can't sleep now...while he's blissfully snoring away in the other room. Oblivious to my not-being-there. Whatever.

It's like, lately, he comes home stressed and tired from a day's work. And grouchy. And when he talks to me, that tone comes along as well. He gets impatient talking to me. He asks me non-sensical questions, pressing for answers that he's already formed in his mind...just waiting to trap me with them. Then he comes back to me and say I "think too much". Then he storms off, and leaves me there alone. U have ur stress, but so do I.

That egoistic streak in you is so apparent at times, so blatant. U can just tell me things like "coz I'm the guy" - as if that gives u the right to do certain things, and get away with it. How about this, Mr I'm-the-guy-I-say-so; "I'm the girl..so why don't u give in to me then? Guys are always the ones to coax their girls when they get upset, try to make them happy and smile again...so what about you??" But nooooo...U say u don't see the need to do so. You win then. Literally. U set the rules huh? So at times, u are the guy, u get away with certain things. Other times, "it's not always the guy who has to start things rolling". So that means U always have the upper hand isn't it? When things benefit you, "u're the man". When things swing away from you, well, "not always the guy who does it".

Please understand this. U take it wholesale, or none. Assuming an identity, whatever identity it may be, bf, son, boss, etc...u take the pros and cons. U don't get to choose the good and leave the bad. If you are not willing to, then u may want to re-consider where you are standing, and what issit that u want (or don't, for that matter).