I went to see a client this morning, over at SGH. With the scorching sun beating down, I walked around the compound, nearly lost, and tried to seek help for directions with this SingHealth Information Counter lady. She was not very helpful, waved me off in a nonchalent direction, and even got impatient towards the end. So much for wanting to improve customer service in Singapore. Not in a million years, I'd say.
Anyway, after I was done and grabbed the SGH shuttle service to leave the place, the bus drove past the various buildings of SGH, like the Singapore National Eye Centre. Somehow, very suddenly, I got a sort of jolt of reality, when the bus stopped at the Singapore National Cancer Centre. Milling around were people wearing beanies, fisherman hats, and one or two boarded the mini-bus, assisted by nurses and their care-givers. Initially I had not realise where I was at; it was only upon seeing some young and old alike with bald heads, that realisation struck me. Immediately, a whole rush of emotions swarmed me, and I became conscious of the fact that most of us led such sheltered lives, that we don't encounter such scenes. So much so that many of us tended to stare at them, or whisper quietly or like me, chose to look away hastily and guiltily. Yes these people do need our help and understanding. One may see the sadness within them, but you definitely can't miss the look of resolution and strength in their eyes too.
What came into my view next utterly took my breath away, with an unimaginable force. I came upon the block which I frequented earlier this year. My grandad had been hospitalised at that very block for lung cancer. After the rounds of tests and all, and having determined it to be terminal stage cancer, they discharged him after a week of hospitalisation. During that one week, all of us (extended family and all) made such frequent trips there that we could head to my grandad's ward with our eyes closed. Even after his discharge, he would be hospitalised every now and then for breathlessness or asthmatic attacks. Further tests followed, and we were told that he had no more than 6 months. We were devastated, but more on our mind was whether to break the news to my grandmom, and if so, how to?
Anyway to cut the story short (I don't think I'm strong enough to recount it now), from the time of his diagnosis to his death, it took less than 3 months, and he was gone. He passed away at home, and I think that was already a form of consolation and relief for him. The night of his death was too traumatic for me, and the details of the night still ring vividly and painfully in my mind.
It's almost like a trip down memory lane, and one laden with guilt too...My guilt. I had stuff that I didn't say. My parents and relatives placed his ashes at this place, but it's been a long time since I last went by. Guess it's time I dropped my activities for the day and dropped by there.
Somehow, it felt as though I was meant to pass by that area sooner or later, and it seemed to materialise today. Because firstly, my boss was the one who would liaise with this client and secondly, we wouldn't have taken the shuttle service anyway, because my boss loves to take a walk back to office.
Anyway, that wasn't the point. I was reminded of the horror, my grief and the emotional pain we went through, as well as the physical pain my grandad would have gone through. I had resolved to write that story of my grandad and grandmom, but after the funeral, I had found myself incapable to even think about it. It was almost like a mental block, a sanction that I had voluntarily imposed on myself. Finally on one occassion, I tried to muster my courage and get down to it. I did, but it was still painful. The raw pain searing through my inner being came tearing, and my tears rolled again. I stopped immediately (after a short paragraph).
Initially I thought talking/writing about upsetting happenings is a healing process in itself. I still do think so. Just that, perhaps, I need to overcome the ghost in myself first.
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Going for a swim tonight with my friends...looking forward to it!
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