Late-night ramblings

Nursing a mild flu, but can't really sleep. I guess it must hve something to do with the fact that I'm on medical leave tomorrow (therefore don't have to work)...can't bear to go to bed. I was on leave the last couple days...since last weds. Guess I didn't treasure the days off, till it's too late. Having flu is no fun, but I guess this flu did in a way, come at a good time. THen again, MCs are usually treasured stuff.

Was just surfing my FB account, after playing my usual restaurant city. Went to look at some friends' photos and stuff...and suddenly thought of some friends whom I haven't heard, or even seen their updates on FB. Not even a tag of their pics or something. So...on impulse, I sent one of such friends, a short message, asking him how he's doing. I guess the last time I "talked" to him (and it was through sms...blame technology I guess) was...last year? or was it at least 2 years back, when he wished me a happy birthday through sms. I don't remember how I responded, but I guess I must have just said thank you, or something polite. Anyway, the thought of him tonight sort of made me recall how we used to talk or went out on dates. But I guess things didn't work out, and to avoid unnecessary misunderstandings, I had decided to cut the communication, to simply hi-byes.

I don't know...was I too callous? We went out a couple of times...He was a nice guy, really..it seemed as though something was going to happen between us. But I guess he was tooooo nice. Not that I want him to be evil or something. But I guess for me, I just have this issue about guys who are too nice, and will-get-bullied sort. (Ask my current bf...that was one of the main reasons I had rejected him years ago..haha..though he may not remember it >.<) Anyways...this guy, he was so nice, he didn't get mad at me at all, even when he'd figured out I was erm...using him. Using him as a substitute, in a way. I had my heart broken by another guy who had commitment issues (talk about the irony), and this guy was there for me. He went out with me when I was bored, talked to me coz I couldn't sleep, spent money on stuff he usually wouldn't (he was quite a thrifty squirrel). Till the point it dawned on me what I was really doing to my life, and his (I swear I had no intention of "playing" him..I had thought him n me would work out). I could still remember vividly what he had told me, when I tried to explain things to him, and apologise. He told me he knew he was only a substitute, and that it was a matter of time before I would realise, and things between us would change. Gawd...the guilt I had felt was so tremendous...I really had nothing to say. I couldn't even bring myself to say sorry now. Coz it felt like sorry would never be enough. I mean, it was like, the guy gave his heart totally, even though he knew we will never be. How I could be so mean, I can't fathom either. I hope he truly finds someone he deserves.

Yup so... ... just wondering how he's doing now.

Whatever.

Had another tiff with the bf. Yes, key word here is "another". And I can't sleep now...while he's blissfully snoring away in the other room. Oblivious to my not-being-there. Whatever.

It's like, lately, he comes home stressed and tired from a day's work. And grouchy. And when he talks to me, that tone comes along as well. He gets impatient talking to me. He asks me non-sensical questions, pressing for answers that he's already formed in his mind...just waiting to trap me with them. Then he comes back to me and say I "think too much". Then he storms off, and leaves me there alone. U have ur stress, but so do I.

That egoistic streak in you is so apparent at times, so blatant. U can just tell me things like "coz I'm the guy" - as if that gives u the right to do certain things, and get away with it. How about this, Mr I'm-the-guy-I-say-so; "I'm the girl..so why don't u give in to me then? Guys are always the ones to coax their girls when they get upset, try to make them happy and smile again...so what about you??" But nooooo...U say u don't see the need to do so. You win then. Literally. U set the rules huh? So at times, u are the guy, u get away with certain things. Other times, "it's not always the guy who has to start things rolling". So that means U always have the upper hand isn't it? When things benefit you, "u're the man". When things swing away from you, well, "not always the guy who does it".

Please understand this. U take it wholesale, or none. Assuming an identity, whatever identity it may be, bf, son, boss, etc...u take the pros and cons. U don't get to choose the good and leave the bad. If you are not willing to, then u may want to re-consider where you are standing, and what issit that u want (or don't, for that matter).

Gloomy Sunday

Today marks the first day of my misery...I feel so alone...and sad...and everything. The bf is away this week. For someone who's used to having him around, other than during working hours, it certainly is a very painful case of separation. Not to mention, the last 2 weeks were spent holidaying (almost) together...1 week of HK together, followed by another 3.5days of half work-relaxation in KL. It's back to work tomorrow for me, while he's gone on to Taiwan for work. I absolutely hate it when he has to travel overseas without me. He's going to have to promise me that he'll earn lotsa moolah in future, so that I can travel with him. Hmpt.

Basically, I'm just dreading and loathing everything that is to come (apart from Friday that is, when the bf comes back). I'm getting a case of the blues, which goes by a variety of names, such as mood swings, depression, PMS (although biologically it really isn't so)...whatever you call it. And it doesn't help that I'm returning to work tomorrow, after an almost 2-week break. To add shavings to the ice, it most certainly doesn't help too that I'm going back to a work that I don't enjoy nor look forward to.

So here I am, trying to make things better. Key word is try, which obviously, I'm sceptical about working of course. Counting down to Fri is tough...considering today is Sunday, only the first day he's away. Kaoz. Sorry, that expletive just had to be done. I've sort of thought of some things to do to occupy myself in the meantime. Some, looooooong overdue. Ahem. Of course, whether I'll get down to them remains to be seen...becoz admittedly, I'm the master of all procrastinators.

Checklist:

1. Re-arrange my wardrobe

Following my mediocre success at expanding my wardrobe during my holiday sprees, the conquests must be squeezed into the 2 cupboards I have. Ahem. Failing which, I need to, in the very least, re-pack a portion of the wardrobe to make way for the additions. I don't want to even forget I own a certain piece of blouse of skirt. Which erm...has happened couple of times already. I guess some pieces of clothing just have the means of disappearing into obscurity. Tsk tsk.

2. Photoshop my photographs

61 unedited albums to date, some dating as far back as 2007. Need I say more? *sheepish* I owe lotsa ppl photos!

3. Tidy up my room (small scale)

It's turning from a chicken coop, to a pig sty. From the table to the floor, my rubbish are just utterly pilling up in almost every inch of available space in my room! It's makin my already-small room, mini-size! I don't wanna wait till I have to tip-toe around or worse, sleep on top of things! Small scale because this task only involve packing things into the cupboard. This mammoth task will probably take up the bulk of my available time already. Disclaimer: does not include clearing old/unwanted rubbish FROM the cupboards/shelves/drawers/etc. Trust me, I would love to be able to do a large/full scale spring cleaning of my room.

4. Go through the pile of Recruits

...which my mom has painstakingly collected for me...and are collecting dust underneath my table (what did I say about untidyness?). All I can say is, I hope the search can be fruitful. If & when I get down to it. Some of the ads have expired by now, I'm pretty sure of that.

Erh..so far these are what I can come up with. For obvious reason of urgency. Will add to them when I can or need to come up with more. Bcoz as it is, it's already 845pm Sunday, and I'm still blogging and playing FB...and I would need to go shower and zz soon. Not that I want to, but well, work demands I sleep early *shrugs*

Just an afterthought: can't believe the 2 weeks of hols just swung by. 2 Sundays ago, I was looking forward to HK; last sunday, I had just come back from HK, but looking forward to KL. Now...I'm just dreading the LP-ing at work this week and next. I had already known I would have a hard time after all the fun has gone..but it's always hard to face up to reality, especially when it's staring at you right in the face, aint it? *Extreme loathing* Kaoz.

The Global Outpouring of Grief and Sympathy for MJ's Death

His death was a real shocker, no doubt. Nobody saw it coming. I mean yeah, the man had lotsa surgery done, he was almost obsessed with it. He was also what some would describe "disfigured", point of no return. His COD is undetermined as yet. But speculations rife that his cocktail of painkillers ala morphine overdose killed him. WHo knows. And we may never know, cause for some reason / conspiracy, the relevant people / family would want to keep it under wraps. For good reason too, and can't blame them for it, since they want the world to remember the best of the King of Pop. Truly, I don't think anyone could ever replace the esteemed place he holds in their hearts and minds. Just like Elvis Presley, or Marilyn Monroe.

I'm no big fan of MJ. He wasn't really "my era", though, he doesn't need to be in anybody's era, for people to know that big name. I know he has lotsa hits, chart-toppers, famous songs, etc. Some I like, some I don't. But I must admit his mtvs are quite a thriller to watch =) But I do remember the time when I was in Pri 6, I took my eldest sis' MJ CD and listened. I remember disliking his trademark "ugh" noise that he likes to pepper his songs with. Yes I call it "noise" and I still don't like it. But he really was quite a dancer, never mind the famous crotch-grabbing.

A celebrity's life thrives, and depends even, on publicity. For the best or worse of it. For every one person who likes him/her, you can count on the next man on the street to dislike him. Or at least find the man neutral. Me, like I said, am no avid fan. His songs are listenable. Still, I don't like deaths. Yeah ok, who likes. Except maybe for those the likes of Bernie Madoff.

I remember the Fri morning, when the wires started streaming in furiously, first of his "hospitalisation". THen how "he wasn't breathing". But still, at that point I was like, "exaggeration" (some wires tend to do that). I headed for a loo break, but while I was in there, I thought to myself "oh dear..he'd better not die". When I return to my desk and check out the latest wires, it says "MJ dead"...by then, our newsroom (the few of us there) was abuzz. I hated big/breaking news like these happening on my watch. Yes it makes for good tv, but the things / process that go behind putting those reports and stuff out on air is unimaginable. This time, I was a little worried. I kept thinking "don't die on us". These were still unconfirmed reports of his death streaming in. My dy ed hesitated to put up the "latest bar" because after all, it was based on one celebrity (gossip) website's scoop. On hindsight, their scoop must hv paid off big time now. Anyways...when another website "announced" his death, we went ahead and starting putting his "death" stories, although attributing it to "unconfirmed" reports. Till reports abt the coronor confirming at abt 7 or 8 our time. But in between the first report till then, there were live pix fed through, of fans gathering outside the hospital, and..an earlier shot of a covered body being wheeled into the ambulance. That then, was the reality check. So surreal.

True, there are genuine people and fans who truly cared abt MJ, love his music and the stuff he puts out. But let's not forget his life (since becoming a celebrity), was like a circus for the media. THey picked up the bad, publicised on them, called him Jacko the Wacko, even when news of his plans to hold a series of concerts were reported with a tinge of scepticism / ridicule. Not excitement, mind you. I don't know, that was at least how I had perceived. He was really a media victim. THen when he just died like that, they seemed to all sing the same tune of how nice, how great the man was, etc. Kinda disgusted me. I feel sad for the man. I mean, ok, he may seem guilty of paedophilic tendencies...but the media are a hypocritical bunch, really. They aren't angels themselves. But can't really blame them..after all, who makes up the media? OUr fellow humans. They are always full of talk about objective reporting, fact-reporting. But half the time, they infused their "objective reporting" with their subtle opinions, or through the way they craft their stories, designed to sway opinons.

June is just a bad month for celebrities. 3 have died. Coincidence? Death is no coincidence. But i guess the timing is. Try not to read too much into it. But I won't be surprised couple of days/weeks down, some soothsayer or fengshuit master is gonna comment about hacing "predicted" his/their deaths..or come up with some saying/calculations/whatever rubbish about their deaths being linked to some bigger forces. Well yeah, guess what? The only force is simply them being called home to be with the Lord...stomach that.

On a side note, I've always love this saying -- people like to ask, "Why does God like to take people away from their loved ones?" The reply is simply "God loves them enough to want to bring them close to Him".

i love this!

I love this song...and just realised that it was a soundtrack from an excellent movie (in my opinion), "Meet Joe Black" (remember Brad Pitt as Death?). Yeah.

It's actually a medley of "somewhere over the rainbow" + "what a wonderful world"...2 very beautiful songs. Perfect combi. To be honest, I thought the original version of the former was cute, but I got tired of it soon after. Same goes for the second one...was nice, but didn't fancy it that much. But this medley, it gave me an unexplicable feelng when I first heard of it. It's not any new medley or whatsoever...it was first performed by someone called "Israel Kamakawiwo'ole", not sure if I've got that name right (this version here is performed by someone else). I caught it when a one-person "band" performe it acoustic, on a guitar. I did a google, and found the "original" was a ukulele version. Not bad sounding still.

I had trouble finding free versions that I could embed on my blog, but found one on trusty YouTube. Do give it a listen. You can ignore the cheesy footage..just close your eyes, and enjoy the music. =D

P/S: I have a "secret" wish, and that's to have a live band perform this at my wedding...if it ever happens. For a march-in maybe? I'm visualising it'll look/sound beautiful & perfect. Ok, that's not-so-secret now. Haha. Do watch it ok?

La La La

I was just looking at my eldest niece, thinking "woah, this girl is spending too much time watching tv!" From the moment she steps back into the house from her nursery classes at 530pm, that's it. All the way, till she goes to bed at abt 10 or 11. Occasionally, her mom brings her downstairs for a walk, but that's almost just it. The wonders of cable tv. Back in the old days, I don't even dream of tv. It's either doing homewk, or assessment bks, or tuition.

THEN, it occured to me - I think I'm spending too much time online. Internet is becoming such a big part of my life, I think I'm almost spending 24/7 of my time on the computer. Except when I'm travelling, or sleeping of course. At work, I'm already on the computer and net. The moment I get home, I turn on the comp. Then I get on FB and play my stuff. Or I chat wf my frens on msn. I go for my nap, wake up, take my dinner or go for my run, then it's back online after my shower, till I go to bed. I'm like, almost becoming what ppl call a "zhai nv". Because of my job, I have almost zilch social life. And because I can't go out to the real world, what else can I do but get on the cyberworld? Occasionally, I try to "enrich" myself with something worthwhile, like reading the papers, my TIME magazine, story books...but when that's done...it's back to the internet. Hmm...I ought to do something about it.

That said...mabbe I should go watch some tv now. Ciao!

p/s: I'm craving for ice-cream now =(

Musings

We feel good when we win something. Be it just a simple game, or when something huge like overcoming a battle with cigarettes. Or when it comes to winning something not-so-glamourous, like an argument. To win, or to succeed at making someone feel bad or really lousy? What kind of emotions course through our veins at that point? Is there really something we can be proud of?

How about the aftermath, when we win something, anything? Satisfaction, pride or complacency? How many of us really stay humble and resolve to do even better the next round?

And how do we deal with loss? Strength to do better the next time, or throwing your arms in the air and say "forget it!"?

Mumblings

Ok, so I've packed my room...albeit incomplete. The task is half-done, but well...it's getting late. Not that I'm going to bed anytime soon...just that my sister would be, so I'd beter stop whatever I'm doing before I disturb the pregnant woman from having her beauty sleep. It's a Saturday, so my 2nd sister usually brings my niece, with her maid in toll, and stays over at my place. She lives at the north part of Singapore, and it's not exactly most convenient for her to travel to my place often enough for my mom to see her and the kid. So the arrangement is such that she'll stay over with us every Sat (almost). Amazing how the apartment can fit so many of us. On Sat, if I stay the night at home, there'll be like eight adults, including 2 maids, 3 kids. In time to come, once my 2nd sis gives birth, there'd be 4 kids! What can I say, other than woah? =DDD

Though I'm much tempted to complain in this entry, I've told myself to refrain from making this a depressing blog entry. So...let's see, what other stuff can we talk about? Hmm...like the shopping I did on Fri? =D Been ages since I went shopping and bought clothes actually. And I wasn't done! There were still shops I hadn't gone into, clothes I was still considering to buy or not...Haiz. But I must say the haul that day wasn't too bad. 2 dresses (though I do kinda regret buying one of them now), 1 culottes, 1 top and 1 skirt. Oh, and a running top, dri-fit. I'm surviving with one currently, and before it gets really washed out or something, I figured I better rotate with another. Not that I don't already own some other dri-fit tops...but they're all with sleeves. I dislike wearing tops wf sleeves when I'm running...kinda irritates me.

Ok, back to Friday's shopping. I had the day off, so got some decent sleep, then woke up and got out. It was a fruitful day, although shopping was all I did. Then I spent the day over at my 2nd sis' place. Before that, I had dinner wf her family. Nice outing. I like this kid niece of mine. =D After dinner at downtown east, walk around abit then went back her place about 10. Got a shower, then "pretended" to change and go to bed...In fact, we were preparing to slip out to catch a movie without my niece =p Caught midnite show "Angels and Demons". Sat morn, my sis took my niece for her piano lessons while I spent the hour loiterin at the mall while I waited for them. After tht, had lunch at Thomson. But I ended up being very uncomfortable with an impending diarrohea. I had only myself to blame, for indulging in that Mac milkshake. I can NEVER drink Mac stuff that has milk ie. milo, milkshake, etc. Must be the milk they use, super high level of lactose, which is so totally not agreeable with the lactose-intolerant me. Grrrr. Anyways, we all drove back to my place after lunch, where all of us, tired from the late night gallivanting, just had to go nap. haha. Night time, went NTUC to get some juice after dinner. Shared with my 2 sis some snacks from Japan while watching a horror but worthless show on HBO. -.-

Hmm..just realised I had almost given a blow-by-blow account of my activities since Fri. Sounds boring I know...but I guess in a way, the simplicity of it all was good fun too. I guess sometimes that's what "rest" is all about - taking things slow, sharing and spending time with people you care about =)

I guess the enforced leave that my company designates for all of us are good in a way. Lesser pay for the time being yes, but at least I get to go on leave, and not suffer freq burn-outs. All of us are going on leave every mth. Yup, my nx leave is in June, which will be in about 2 weeks' time. Then, it's off to Taiwan for "night market exploring" with a gf. More shopping! =DDD BUT means I've gotta try to save more money this month. Haiz. Too little too late =/

But meantime...it's back to work, and back to my life, back to reality. And my future hangs in limbo for now. I'll know the outcome by end of this week. Please, pray hard for me.

existence

The world we live in today is a crazy one...not to mention messed up. Very often, we get so caught up in our jobs, our lives, and basically ourselves, that we neglect and forget the things we truly care about.

How many of us are guilty of taking the people around us for granted? How many times have we failed to consider the other's perspective, and think we are right?

When was the last time you showed care and concern to the ones who mattered? Most importantly, when was the last time you said "I love you"? Me...a very long time.

L is for the way you look at me

O is for the only one I see

V is very, very extraordinary

E is even more than anyone that you adore

Love is all that I can give to you

Love is more than just a game for two

Two in love can make it

Take my heart and please don't break it

Love was made for me and you

what's wrong with people like you?!

Some people are just plain rude

When did I step on your toes?

When did I cross the line?

Plueazzzze...don't think so highly of yourself.

Some golden words of advice here:

People are interested, because they are concerned.

Don't be so defensive and assume the worst of everyone.

life these days...

During the last two years of study, I was every bit the student - the lazy one I mean - watching tv, reading newspapers, surfing the net, etc., anything, but doing my revision. Right up to the time when my exams were round the corner, I was still lazing and procrastinating. I wished for another hour, another minute, another second, just to read one more page, surfed one more website. And it didn't help that my working hours were weird - the other half of my time were spent catching up on sleep. Not many hours left for me to do anything else.

Today, free from exams, free from revision...I've lost interest in the tv, the newspaper, the internet. Haa. Not that I missed studying. That, not yet. A little background here - it was because I found life getting meaningless and monotonous, so to spice things up a lil', I went to pursue higher studies. Of coz, once I was in it, it was a whole new ball game, whole new situation for me to whine about. Anyways, talking about my situation now. I've kinda, lost interest in everything all over again. It's like, I'm back to where I was two years ago, trying to find something to occupy myself, trying to find meaning again. Nothing seems to interest me so far. Got me thinking to the bigger picture - is my dissatisfaction with life because I don't find satisfaction in whatever I'm doing now? Maybe. Back to the work-issue struggle - I longed for normal working hours. Days when I can sleep late at night (I used to sleep at 1 or 2am, wake up for work at about 8am), and still get enough sleep. But this job, sleeping late meant going to bed at 11pm (I wake up at 2am..means I severely lack sleep everyday)? C'mon...that used to be like primetime for me. And having to go to bed early means I no longer have a social life. I can't go exercise, catch up with friends, do dinners, or even go shopping by myself.

No doubt, every job has its perks. Going to work early meant company pays for my cab fares, knocking off when the whole world is working means I get to save $ (plus, I go home for lunch...lagi save more)...But I think at this point, I've come to the conclusion that its perks still do not cover its flaws. Sigh. And I so hate myself for whining and not being able to do anything about it. My friends say, "what's so tough? Go get another job if you're not happy!". Many times I wonder why too. Yes, it is that simple, so why am I making things difficult for myself? I guess the answer is fear of the unknown. First up, I have no idea what I want to do next, so in that sense I don't have a goal to look forward to, or work towards. Plus, I'm hesitant - coz the newsroom is where I've always wanted to be. I don't want to leave it and regret. With that, I guess it brings on a whole host of other issues and considerations. Like, what makes me think the next job I land, I'll be satisfied or happy? How will I know if the same issues won't occur? Or, am I sure I'm up to it? Willingness to learn and having a good attitude, do not equate to aptitude. To which, my friends retort, "you don't try, you won't know". True again. I guess I'm just too....worrisome. I think too much of what ifs. Guess I'm just cautious. I just don't want to disappoint myself.

Well, look at the time now - it's 10.15pm. Time for bed =/

curtains coming down...for now

After a long good two years, it all finally ended on Thursday (30 Apr). Ok, maybe not exactly long...but well, long enough to make the journey feel arduous and painful. So much so that before my last paper, I got so sick of the whole thing, I felt like I couldn't take it anymore. I just wanted it to be over and done with. But well, now that it's all over, I'm like.... yeah, just "......." Haa.

Well I'm referring to my "higher education", which has officially ended. Well Almost. I hope I pass that is. Please be merciful, lecturers. I don't wanna grad without my friends. Yeah, I can't wait for convo to come, so that I can take a huge ass number of photos with all my friends! Us in gowns, scrolls in hands *dreamy + faraway look*

Ok results will be out end-May. I THINK the lecturers wouldn't be so unkind as to fail us, know what I mean? But I hope they'll grad us kindly too. So that my CGPA won't be too bad. I'm hoping (against hope maybe) that I'll score at least a B or better for these last 3 modules! *cross fingers + pray v hard* :( Actually...I know I won't do well this semester. Somehow, I'm not confident about any, at all. You know how sometimes you have this gut feeling when you step out of the exam hall, that no matter what, your answers / results will turn out fine? Well I have none of that. And I'm worried. Haiz. I didn't come this far maintaining a decent CGPA, only to have it tarnished and going down the drain just like that, in this last semester! Gawd.

I think I'm just gonna be sitting on pins and needles for this month, and once results are released, whined and be upset till I go for convo, then regret every now and then for the rest of my life for not putting in my best effort in this last semester -.-''

But I Do...

I seem to be one who has almost everything going for her...a good family, a good education, an okay job, pleasant friends, a good bf...I've got a good job that pays the bills, buys what I want..even in times like now when ppl are losing their jobs..I have a reasonable degree, a post-grad degree that I'll be graduating from in a couple of months..a family thats always boisterous and fun to have around, friends who love me, a bf who dotes on me...so why do I feel like I want to, I need to get away? Especially, getting away from my life? I'm just restless about it all...unhappy with all that I have..A case of discontentment? Of wanting more perhaps...but certainly not greed. I'm kinda in a limbo now..I don't know what I want. Perhaps it's because I don't really enjoy what I'm doing now. Let's face it...my life is more or less divided into 2 big chunks...work and the others. And when one chunk of it is unsatisfactory, maybe that's the root of my unhappiness.

Maybe that's why when the thought of going overseas, living overseas for awhile seems minutely plausible, I get excited. Yes it is something different. Yes it's something not many will have a chance at (including me). But it's kinda like a chance of a lifetime for me. In a way, it's now or never. I didn't have the chance when I was younger...finances didn't allow me to, plus I don't have the guts to. Not that my mom would be willing too. But now, it all seems possible. There'll b someone with me, to take care of me, to watch out for me...someone to share expenses with even...No doubt there will be sacrifices. Monetary, comfort, family and friends. A risk even, some may say, at my age. I'll have to make arrangements for loans, which will leave me saddle with debts when I come back..at an old age. I may even have to start all over, when I come back...and that's not just me. My bf and I would probably have our savings wiped, and that kinda means our plans will have to be postponed...what does that mean for our plans? and He has more at stake. He has his dad to consider. His dad is looking to take things slower, he's supposed to start learning the ropes. With him goign away for the next two years, wha does that mean for their plans then? And my own family? What I'll be leaving behind?

I just want to be happy...I can't say for sure I'll be happy if I do go away. But I do look forward to a fresh breath of life. Taking a stab at what I had missed previously...and it seems that if I miss this turn, I'll not get another chance like this again. I just want to look for that elusive element in my life...to find it, and put the bounce back into my life...to make me want to live life again. I know I'm not the most rational, most pragmatic soul on earth...I do things on a whim...or I just trivalise the consequences. And regret things. But will I live to regret my gamble this time? Am I being selfish?