Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Late-night ramblings

Nursing a mild flu, but can't really sleep. I guess it must hve something to do with the fact that I'm on medical leave tomorrow (therefore don't have to work)...can't bear to go to bed. I was on leave the last couple days...since last weds. Guess I didn't treasure the days off, till it's too late. Having flu is no fun, but I guess this flu did in a way, come at a good time. THen again, MCs are usually treasured stuff.

Was just surfing my FB account, after playing my usual restaurant city. Went to look at some friends' photos and stuff...and suddenly thought of some friends whom I haven't heard, or even seen their updates on FB. Not even a tag of their pics or something. So...on impulse, I sent one of such friends, a short message, asking him how he's doing. I guess the last time I "talked" to him (and it was through sms...blame technology I guess) was...last year? or was it at least 2 years back, when he wished me a happy birthday through sms. I don't remember how I responded, but I guess I must have just said thank you, or something polite. Anyway, the thought of him tonight sort of made me recall how we used to talk or went out on dates. But I guess things didn't work out, and to avoid unnecessary misunderstandings, I had decided to cut the communication, to simply hi-byes.

I don't know...was I too callous? We went out a couple of times...He was a nice guy, really..it seemed as though something was going to happen between us. But I guess he was tooooo nice. Not that I want him to be evil or something. But I guess for me, I just have this issue about guys who are too nice, and will-get-bullied sort. (Ask my current bf...that was one of the main reasons I had rejected him years ago..haha..though he may not remember it >.<) Anyways...this guy, he was so nice, he didn't get mad at me at all, even when he'd figured out I was erm...using him. Using him as a substitute, in a way. I had my heart broken by another guy who had commitment issues (talk about the irony), and this guy was there for me. He went out with me when I was bored, talked to me coz I couldn't sleep, spent money on stuff he usually wouldn't (he was quite a thrifty squirrel). Till the point it dawned on me what I was really doing to my life, and his (I swear I had no intention of "playing" him..I had thought him n me would work out). I could still remember vividly what he had told me, when I tried to explain things to him, and apologise. He told me he knew he was only a substitute, and that it was a matter of time before I would realise, and things between us would change. Gawd...the guilt I had felt was so tremendous...I really had nothing to say. I couldn't even bring myself to say sorry now. Coz it felt like sorry would never be enough. I mean, it was like, the guy gave his heart totally, even though he knew we will never be. How I could be so mean, I can't fathom either. I hope he truly finds someone he deserves.

Yup so... ... just wondering how he's doing now.

Thursday, November 05, 2009

Whatever.

Had another tiff with the bf. Yes, key word here is "another". And I can't sleep now...while he's blissfully snoring away in the other room. Oblivious to my not-being-there. Whatever.

It's like, lately, he comes home stressed and tired from a day's work. And grouchy. And when he talks to me, that tone comes along as well. He gets impatient talking to me. He asks me non-sensical questions, pressing for answers that he's already formed in his mind...just waiting to trap me with them. Then he comes back to me and say I "think too much". Then he storms off, and leaves me there alone.
U have ur stress, but so do I.

That egoistic streak in you is so apparent at times, so blatant. U can just tell me things like "coz I'm the guy" - as if that gives u the right to do certain things, and get away with it. How about this, Mr I'm-the-guy-I-say-so; "I'm the girl..so why don't u give in to me then? Guys are always the ones to coax their girls when they get upset, try to make them happy and smile again...so what about you??" But nooooo...U say u don't see the need to do so. You win then. Literally. U set the rules huh? So at times, u are the guy, u get away with certain things. Other times, "it's not always the guy who has to start things rolling". So that means U always have the upper hand isn't it? When things benefit you, "u're the man". When things swing away from you, well, "not always the guy who does it".

Please understand this. U take it wholesale, or none. Assuming an identity, whatever identity it may be, bf, son, boss, etc...u take the pros and cons. U don't get to choose the good and leave the bad. If you are not willing to, then u may want to re-consider where you are standing, and what issit that u want (or don't, for that matter).

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Gloomy Sunday

Today marks the first day of my misery...I feel so alone...and sad...and everything. The bf is away this week. For someone who's used to having him around, other than during working hours, it certainly is a very painful case of separation. Not to mention, the last 2 weeks were spent holidaying (almost) together...1 week of HK together, followed by another 3.5days of half work-relaxation in KL. It's back to work tomorrow for me, while he's gone on to Taiwan for work. I absolutely hate it when he has to travel overseas without me. He's going to have to promise me that he'll earn lotsa moolah in future, so that I can travel with him. Hmpt.

Basically, I'm just dreading and loathing everything that is to come (apart from Friday that is, when the bf comes back). I'm getting a case of the blues, which goes by a variety of names, such as mood swings, depression, PMS (although biologically it really isn't so)...whatever you call it. And it doesn't help that I'm returning to work tomorrow, after an almost 2-week break. To add shavings to the ice, it most certainly doesn't help too that I'm going back to a work that I don't enjoy nor look forward to.

So here I am, trying to make things better. Key word is try, which obviously, I'm sceptical about working of course. Counting down to Fri is tough...considering today is Sunday, only the first day he's away. Kaoz. Sorry, that expletive just had to be done. I've sort of thought of some things to do to occupy myself in the meantime. Some, looooooong overdue. Ahem. Of course, whether I'll get down to them remains to be seen...becoz admittedly, I'm the master of all procrastinators.

Checklist:

1. Re-arrange my wardrobe
Following my mediocre success at expanding my wardrobe during my holiday sprees, the conquests must be squeezed into the 2 cupboards I have. Ahem. Failing which, I need to, in the very least, re-pack a portion of the wardrobe to make way for the additions. I don't want to even forget I own a certain piece of blouse of skirt. Which erm...has happened couple of times already. I guess some pieces of clothing just have the means of disappearing into obscurity. Tsk tsk.

2. Photoshop my photographs
61 unedited albums to date, some dating as far back as 2007. Need I say more? *sheepish* I owe lotsa ppl photos!

3. Tidy up my room (small scale)
It's turning from a chicken coop, to a pig sty. From the table to the floor, my rubbish are just utterly pilling up in almost every inch of available space in my room! It's makin my already-small room, mini-size! I don't wanna wait till I have to tip-toe around or worse, sleep on top of things! Small scale because this task only involve packing things into the cupboard. This mammoth task will probably take up the bulk of my available time already. Disclaimer: does not include clearing old/unwanted rubbish FROM the cupboards/shelves/drawers/etc. Trust me, I would love to be able to do a large/full scale spring cleaning of my room.

4. Go through the pile of Recruits
...which my mom has painstakingly collected for me...and are collecting dust underneath my table (what did I say about untidyness?). All I can say is, I hope the search can be fruitful. If & when I get down to it. Some of the ads have expired by now, I'm pretty sure of that.

Erh..so far these are what I can come up with. For obvious reason of urgency. Will add to them when I can or need to come up with more. Bcoz as it is, it's already 845pm Sunday, and I'm still blogging and playing FB...and I would need to go shower and zz soon. Not that I want to, but well, work demands I sleep early *shrugs*

Just an afterthought: can't believe the 2 weeks of hols just swung by. 2 Sundays ago, I was looking forward to HK; last sunday, I had just come back from HK, but looking forward to KL. Now...I'm just dreading the LP-ing at work this week and next. I had already known I would have a hard time after all the fun has gone..but it's always hard to face up to reality, especially when it's staring at you right in the face, aint it? *Extreme loathing* Kaoz.

Monday, June 29, 2009

The Global Outpouring of Grief and Sympathy for MJ's Death

His death was a real shocker, no doubt. Nobody saw it coming. I mean yeah, the man had lotsa surgery done, he was almost obsessed with it. He was also what some would describe "disfigured", point of no return. His COD is undetermined as yet. But speculations rife that his cocktail of painkillers ala morphine overdose killed him. WHo knows. And we may never know, cause for some reason / conspiracy, the relevant people / family would want to keep it under wraps. For good reason too, and can't blame them for it, since they want the world to remember the best of the King of Pop. Truly, I don't think anyone could ever replace the esteemed place he holds in their hearts and minds. Just like Elvis Presley, or Marilyn Monroe.

I'm no big fan of MJ. He wasn't really "my era", though, he doesn't need to be in anybody's era, for people to know that big name. I know he has lotsa hits, chart-toppers, famous songs, etc. Some I like, some I don't. But I must admit his mtvs are quite a thriller to watch =) But I do remember the time when I was in Pri 6, I took my eldest sis' MJ CD and listened. I remember disliking his trademark "ugh" noise that he likes to pepper his songs with. Yes I call it "noise" and I still don't like it. But he really was quite a dancer, never mind the famous crotch-grabbing.

A celebrity's life thrives, and depends even, on publicity. For the best or worse of it. For every one person who likes him/her, you can count on the next man on the street to dislike him. Or at least find the man neutral. Me, like I said, am no avid fan. His songs are listenable. Still, I don't like deaths. Yeah ok, who likes. Except maybe for those the likes of Bernie Madoff.

I remember the Fri morning, when the wires started streaming in furiously, first of his "hospitalisation". THen how "he wasn't breathing". But still, at that point I was like, "exaggeration" (some wires tend to do that). I headed for a loo break, but while I was in there, I thought to myself "oh dear..he'd better not die". When I return to my desk and check out the latest wires, it says "MJ dead"...by then, our newsroom (the few of us there) was abuzz. I hated big/breaking news like these happening on my watch. Yes it makes for good tv, but the things / process that go behind putting those reports and stuff out on air is unimaginable. This time, I was a little worried. I kept thinking "don't die on us". These were still unconfirmed reports of his death streaming in. My dy ed hesitated to put up the "latest bar" because after all, it was based on one celebrity (gossip) website's scoop. On hindsight, their scoop must hv paid off big time now. Anyways...when another website "announced" his death, we went ahead and starting putting his "death" stories, although attributing it to "unconfirmed" reports. Till reports abt the coronor confirming at abt 7 or 8 our time. But in between the first report till then, there were live pix fed through, of fans gathering outside the hospital, and..an earlier shot of a covered body being wheeled into the ambulance. That then, was the reality check. So surreal.

True, there are genuine people and fans who truly cared abt MJ, love his music and the stuff he puts out. But let's not forget his life (since becoming a celebrity), was like a circus for the media. THey picked up the bad, publicised on them, called him Jacko the Wacko, even when news of his plans to hold a series of concerts were reported with a tinge of scepticism / ridicule. Not excitement, mind you. I don't know, that was at least how I had perceived. He was really a media victim. THen when he just died like that, they seemed to all sing the same tune of how nice, how great the man was, etc. Kinda disgusted me. I feel sad for the man. I mean, ok, he may seem guilty of paedophilic tendencies...but the media are a hypocritical bunch, really. They aren't angels themselves. But can't really blame them..after all, who makes up the media? OUr fellow humans. They are always full of talk about objective reporting, fact-reporting. But half the time, they infused their "objective reporting" with their subtle opinions, or through the way they craft their stories, designed to sway opinons.

June is just a bad month for celebrities. 3 have died. Coincidence? Death is no coincidence. But i guess the timing is. Try not to read too much into it. But I won't be surprised couple of days/weeks down, some soothsayer or fengshuit master is gonna comment about hacing "predicted" his/their deaths..or come up with some saying/calculations/whatever rubbish about their deaths being linked to some bigger forces. Well yeah, guess what? The only force is simply them being called home to be with the Lord...stomach that.

On a side note, I've always love this saying -- people like to ask, "Why does God like to take people away from their loved ones?" The reply is simply "God loves them enough to want to bring them close to Him".

Friday, May 29, 2009

i love this!

I love this song...and just realised that it was a soundtrack from an excellent movie (in my opinion), "Meet Joe Black" (remember Brad Pitt as Death?). Yeah.

It's actually a medley of "somewhere over the rainbow" + "what a wonderful world"...2 very beautiful songs. Perfect combi. To be honest, I thought the original version of the former was cute, but I got tired of it soon after. Same goes for the second one...was nice, but didn't fancy it that much. But this medley, it gave me an unexplicable feelng when I first heard of it. It's not any new medley or whatsoever...it was first performed by someone called "Israel Kamakawiwo'ole", not sure if I've got that name right (this version here is performed by someone else). I caught it when a one-person "band" performe it acoustic, on a guitar. I did a google, and found the "original" was a ukulele version. Not bad sounding still.

I had trouble finding free versions that I could embed on my blog, but found one on trusty YouTube. Do give it a listen. You can ignore the cheesy footage..just close your eyes, and enjoy the music. =D


P/S: I have a "secret" wish, and that's to have a live band perform this at my wedding...if it ever happens. For a march-in maybe? I'm visualising it'll look/sound beautiful & perfect. Ok, that's not-so-secret now. Haha. Do watch it ok?

Thursday, May 28, 2009

La La La

I was just looking at my eldest niece, thinking "woah, this girl is spending too much time watching tv!" From the moment she steps back into the house from her nursery classes at 530pm, that's it. All the way, till she goes to bed at abt 10 or 11. Occasionally, her mom brings her downstairs for a walk, but that's almost just it. The wonders of cable tv. Back in the old days, I don't even dream of tv. It's either doing homewk, or assessment bks, or tuition.

THEN, it occured to me - I think
I'm spending too much time online. Internet is becoming such a big part of my life, I think I'm almost spending 24/7 of my time on the computer. Except when I'm travelling, or sleeping of course. At work, I'm already on the computer and net. The moment I get home, I turn on the comp. Then I get on FB and play my stuff. Or I chat wf my frens on msn. I go for my nap, wake up, take my dinner or go for my run, then it's back online after my shower, till I go to bed. I'm like, almost becoming what ppl call a "zhai nv". Because of my job, I have almost zilch social life. And because I can't go out to the real world, what else can I do but get on the cyberworld? Occasionally, I try to "enrich" myself with something worthwhile, like reading the papers, my TIME magazine, story books...but when that's done...it's back to the internet. Hmm...I ought to do something about it.

That said...mabbe I should go watch some tv now. Ciao!

p/s: I'm craving for ice-cream now =(

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Musings

We feel good when we win something. Be it just a simple game, or when something huge like overcoming a battle with cigarettes. Or when it comes to winning something not-so-glamourous, like an argument. To win, or to succeed at making someone feel bad or really lousy? What kind of emotions course through our veins at that point? Is there really something we can be proud of?

How about the aftermath, when we win something, anything? Satisfaction, pride or complacency? How many of us really stay humble and resolve to do even better the next round?

And how do we deal with loss? Strength to do better the next time, or throwing your arms in the air and say "forget it!"?

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Mumblings

Ok, so I've packed my room...albeit incomplete. The task is half-done, but well...it's getting late. Not that I'm going to bed anytime soon...just that my sister would be, so I'd beter stop whatever I'm doing before I disturb the pregnant woman from having her beauty sleep. It's a Saturday, so my 2nd sister usually brings my niece, with her maid in toll, and stays over at my place. She lives at the north part of Singapore, and it's not exactly most convenient for her to travel to my place often enough for my mom to see her and the kid. So the arrangement is such that she'll stay over with us every Sat (almost). Amazing how the apartment can fit so many of us. On Sat, if I stay the night at home, there'll be like eight adults, including 2 maids, 3 kids. In time to come, once my 2nd sis gives birth, there'd be 4 kids! What can I say, other than woah? =DDD

Though I'm much tempted to complain in this entry, I've told myself to refrain from making this a depressing blog entry. So...let's see, what other stuff can we talk about? Hmm...like the shopping I did on Fri? =D Been ages since I went shopping and bought clothes actually. And I wasn't done! There were still shops I hadn't gone into, clothes I was still considering to buy or not...Haiz. But I must say the haul that day wasn't too bad. 2 dresses (though I do kinda regret buying one of them now), 1 culottes, 1 top and 1 skirt. Oh, and a running top, dri-fit. I'm surviving with one currently, and before it gets really washed out or something, I figured I better rotate with another. Not that I don't already own some other dri-fit tops...but they're all with sleeves. I dislike wearing tops wf sleeves when I'm running...kinda irritates me.

Ok, back to Friday's shopping. I had the day off, so got some decent sleep, then woke up and got out. It was a fruitful day, although shopping was all I did. Then I spent the day over at my 2nd sis' place. Before that, I had dinner wf her family. Nice outing. I like this kid niece of mine. =D After dinner at downtown east, walk around abit then went back her place about 10. Got a shower, then "pretended" to change and go to bed...In fact, we were preparing to slip out to catch a movie without my niece =p Caught midnite show "Angels and Demons". Sat morn, my sis took my niece for her piano lessons while I spent the hour loiterin at the mall while I waited for them. After tht, had lunch at Thomson. But I ended up being very uncomfortable with an impending diarrohea. I had only myself to blame, for indulging in that Mac milkshake. I can NEVER drink Mac stuff that has milk ie. milo, milkshake, etc. Must be the milk they use, super high level of lactose, which is so totally not agreeable with the lactose-intolerant me. Grrrr. Anyways, we all drove back to my place after lunch, where all of us, tired from the late night gallivanting, just had to go nap. haha. Night time, went NTUC to get some juice after dinner. Shared with my 2 sis some snacks from Japan while watching a horror but worthless show on HBO. -.-

Hmm..just realised I had almost given a blow-by-blow account of my activities since Fri. Sounds boring I know...but I guess in a way, the simplicity of it all was good fun too. I guess sometimes that's what "rest" is all about - taking things slow, sharing and spending time with people you care about =)

I guess the enforced leave that my company designates for all of us are good in a way. Lesser pay for the time being yes, but at least I get to go on leave, and not suffer freq burn-outs. All of us are going on leave every mth. Yup, my nx leave is in June, which will be in about 2 weeks' time. Then, it's off to Taiwan for "night market exploring" with a gf. More shopping! =DDD BUT means I've gotta try to save more money this month. Haiz. Too little too late =/

But meantime...it's back to work, and back to my life, back to reality. And my future hangs in limbo for now. I'll know the outcome by end of this week. Please, pray hard for me.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

existence

The world we live in today is a crazy one...not to mention messed up. Very often, we get so caught up in our jobs, our lives, and basically ourselves, that we neglect and forget the things we truly care about.

How many of us are guilty of taking the people around us for granted? How many times have we failed to consider the other's perspective, and think we are right?

When was the last time you showed care and concern to the ones who mattered? Most importantly, when was the last time you said "I love you"? Me...a very long time.

L is for the way you look at me
O is for the only one I see
V is very, very extraordinary
E is even more than anyone that you adore
Love is all that I can give to you
Love is more than just a game for two
Two in love can make it
Take my heart and please don't break it
Love was made for me and you

Thursday, May 07, 2009

what's wrong with people like you?!

Some people are just plain rude
When did I step on your toes?
When did I cross the line?
Plueazzzze...don't think so highly of yourself.
Some golden words of advice here:
People are interested, because they are concerned.
Don't be so defensive and assume the worst of everyone.

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

life these days...

During the last two years of study, I was every bit the student - the lazy one I mean - watching tv, reading newspapers, surfing the net, etc., anything, but doing my revision. Right up to the time when my exams were round the corner, I was still lazing and procrastinating. I wished for another hour, another minute, another second, just to read one more page, surfed one more website. And it didn't help that my working hours were weird - the other half of my time were spent catching up on sleep. Not many hours left for me to do anything else.

Today, free from exams, free from revision...I've lost interest in the tv, the newspaper, the internet. Haa. Not that I missed studying. That, not yet. A little background here - it was because I found life getting meaningless and monotonous, so to spice things up a lil', I went to pursue higher studies. Of coz, once I was in it, it was a whole new ball game, whole new situation for me to whine about. Anyways, talking about my situation now. I've kinda, lost interest in everything all over again. It's like, I'm back to where I was two years ago, trying to find something to occupy myself, trying to find meaning again. Nothing seems to interest me so far. Got me thinking to the bigger picture - is my dissatisfaction with life because I don't find satisfaction in whatever I'm doing now? Maybe. Back to the work-issue struggle - I longed for normal working hours. Days when I can sleep late at night (I used to sleep at 1 or 2am, wake up for work at about 8am), and still get enough sleep. But this job, sleeping late meant going to bed at 11pm (I wake up at 2am..means I severely lack sleep everyday)? C'mon...that used to be like primetime for me. And having to go to bed early means I no longer have a social life. I can't go exercise, catch up with friends, do dinners, or even go shopping by myself.

No doubt, every job has its perks. Going to work early meant company pays for my cab fares, knocking off when the whole world is working means I get to save $ (plus, I go home for lunch...lagi save more)...But I think at this point, I've come to the conclusion that its perks still do not cover its flaws. Sigh. And I so hate myself for whining and not being able to do anything about it. My friends say, "what's so tough? Go get another job if you're not happy!". Many times I wonder why too. Yes, it is that simple, so why am I making things difficult for myself? I guess the answer is fear of the unknown. First up, I have no idea what I want to do next, so in that sense I don't have a goal to look forward to, or work towards. Plus, I'm hesitant - coz the newsroom is where I've always wanted to be. I don't want to leave it and regret. With that, I guess it brings on a whole host of other issues and considerations. Like, what makes me think the next job I land, I'll be satisfied or happy? How will I know if the same issues won't occur? Or, am I sure I'm up to it? Willingness to learn and having a good attitude, do not equate to aptitude. To which, my friends retort, "you don't try, you won't know". True again. I guess I'm just too....worrisome. I think too much of what ifs. Guess I'm just cautious. I just don't want to disappoint myself.

Well, look at the time now - it's 10.15pm. Time for bed =/

Saturday, May 02, 2009

curtains coming down...for now

After a long good two years, it all finally ended on Thursday (30 Apr). Ok, maybe not exactly long...but well, long enough to make the journey feel arduous and painful. So much so that before my last paper, I got so sick of the whole thing, I felt like I couldn't take it anymore. I just wanted it to be over and done with. But well, now that it's all over, I'm like.... yeah, just "......." Haa.

Well I'm referring to my "higher education", which has officially ended. Well Almost. I hope I pass that is. Please be merciful, lecturers. I don't wanna grad without my friends. Yeah, I can't wait for convo to come, so that I can take a huge ass number of photos with all my friends! Us in gowns, scrolls in hands *dreamy + faraway look*

Ok results will be out end-May. I THINK the lecturers wouldn't be so unkind as to fail us, know what I mean? But I hope they'll grad us kindly too. So that my CGPA won't be too bad. I'm hoping (against hope maybe) that I'll score at least a B or better for these last 3 modules! *cross fingers + pray v hard* :( Actually...I know I won't do well this semester. Somehow, I'm not confident about any, at all. You know how sometimes you have this gut feeling when you step out of the exam hall, that no matter what, your answers / results will turn out fine? Well I have none of that. And I'm worried. Haiz. I didn't come this far maintaining a decent CGPA, only to have it tarnished and going down the drain just like that, in this last semester! Gawd.

I think I'm just gonna be sitting on pins and needles for this month, and once results are released, whined and be upset till I go for convo, then regret every now and then for the rest of my life for not putting in my best effort in this last semester -.-''

Sunday, March 15, 2009

But I Do...

I seem to be one who has almost everything going for her...a good family, a good education, an okay job, pleasant friends, a good bf...I've got a good job that pays the bills, buys what I want..even in times like now when ppl are losing their jobs..I have a reasonable degree, a post-grad degree that I'll be graduating from in a couple of months..a family thats always boisterous and fun to have around, friends who love me, a bf who dotes on me...so why do I feel like I want to, I need to get away? Especially, getting away from my life? I'm just restless about it all...unhappy with all that I have..A case of discontentment? Of wanting more perhaps...but certainly not greed. I'm kinda in a limbo now..I don't know what I want. Perhaps it's because I don't really enjoy what I'm doing now. Let's face it...my life is more or less divided into 2 big chunks...work and the others. And when one chunk of it is unsatisfactory, maybe that's the root of my unhappiness.

Maybe that's why when the thought of going overseas, living overseas for awhile seems minutely plausible, I get excited. Yes it is something different. Yes it's something not many will have a chance at (including me). But it's kinda like a chance of a lifetime for me. In a way, it's now or never. I didn't have the chance when I was younger...finances didn't allow me to, plus I don't have the guts to. Not that my mom would be willing too. But now, it all seems possible. There'll b someone with me, to take care of me, to watch out for me...someone to share expenses with even...No doubt there will be sacrifices. Monetary, comfort, family and friends. A risk even, some may say, at my age. I'll have to make arrangements for loans, which will leave me saddle with debts when I come back..at an old age. I may even have to start all over, when I come back...and that's not just me. My bf and I would probably have our savings wiped, and that kinda means our plans will have to be postponed...what does that mean for our plans? and He has more at stake. He has his dad to consider. His dad is looking to take things slower, he's supposed to start learning the ropes. With him goign away for the next two years, wha does that mean for their plans then? And my own family? What I'll be leaving behind?

I just want to be happy...I can't say for sure I'll be happy if I do go away. But I do look forward to a fresh breath of life. Taking a stab at what I had missed previously...and it seems that if I miss this turn, I'll not get another chance like this again. I just want to look for that elusive element in my life...to find it, and put the bounce back into my life...to make me want to live life again. I know I'm not the most rational, most pragmatic soul on earth...I do things on a whim...or I just trivalise the consequences. And regret things. But will I live to regret my gamble this time? Am I being selfish?

Friday, October 24, 2008

Life's Vulnerabilities

Have you ever wished to live someone else's life?
I did.
And I don't mean a rich man / woman's life...yeah I mean, who doesn't want to try that sort of lifestyle?

Me...I've always wanted to live someone's life, at different points in my life. Sometimes it would be a classmate's, because he/she is so smart and always aceing their exams, I want to feel how that feels...or an adult who seems to be enjoying life, buying anything she fancies...or a friend who has a job that he/she loves and is having fun with it, while drawing a comfortable salary (ideal!)...or basically, just being that friend of yours who seems to have everything...career, family, a life.

Of course, by now any sensible person would know that some people are just born lucky. Everything smooth-sailing, or that their troubles are nothing like yours...while there are those who had to work doubly hard and sacrifice far more, to achieve what they have.

Similarly, I've always wondered if there has been anyone who wishes for MY life. I think on the whole, my journey has been alright. Not the best, but I do not it could have been worse...or that there are others who have it worse than I did. I've made mistakes in my life, some which have made me a better person and I'm thankful for. But there are those too that I've screwed up pretty ugly. Stuff that I wished I never did, stuff which I have no wish to remember either. They are parts of my life I want to bury, that I wished they would just rot and decompose, and never surface again.

I feel I'm currently standing at a sort of cross-roads in my life now, unsure where and how to proceed. Before this, I thought I was sure about my direction...where and what next. Today...all I can utter is I really don't know. I don't know what the future holds for me. And that's scaring me coz I'm not a teenager waiting to enter jc or uni, who has ample time to decide. I'm nearing thirties (a scary thought), and the fear that I will not achieve much is a fear in itself.

Three close friends of mine (they don't know each other) have told me about themselves and "aspirations" - they have no wish to climb the corporate ladder. They are content to have a stable job, stable income...sort of like, they won't go hungry, although they wouldn't strike big fortune either. They reckoned they would get promotions and such, but probably they would remain in the middle management at the most...and they are happy. I'm not saying I'm not like that...but a part of me wants more than that. A part of me wants to be a career woman, like one of those you see in dramas or movies, juggling family and a big-ass career. Thing is, I really am not sure if I'm like that, if I'm cut out for the corporate game, if I can survive the corporate intricacies. Bcoz as it is now, I can't take it already. I'm the "nice" character who can't stand up for herself, and can only wish for the best that people will be nice and not bully her. SO...what happens when the contrary happens? Well it's already happening.

I'm beginning to doubt my own abilities. I kinda feel like I'm a jack of all trades, but master of none. I have a few skills, but they aren't good enough to make me a specialist. Yet, I don't know enough / variety of skills, to make me a "jack of all trades" either. And that's making me scared...what's to become of me? Some say, you don't try, you don't know...but what if I had to try alot of times? At this rate, I'll always be stuck at this level - going round and round, not moving up nor on. I'll never progress, whether personally or in my career. Have I actually been thinking too highly of myself? Or at least more than what I really can offer?

Monday, October 20, 2008

Loved, and Lost...

I lost 2 boyfriends in one night...
that's drama fit for dreams la ~
or nightmare, if you'll have it

You know how weird / illogical dreams can be...so don't ask "how come" or "why lidat"...coz it just is. Ok ok...it beats me too...so, just leave it at that. Here goes: In my dream... ... ... ...

Venue, somehow it revolved around cck / bt. panjang area, which is nearer to where I'm currently staying, than where I used to be staying in secondary school. There's this particular overhead bridge that I was climbing a couple of times in the dream...up and down, over and over again. A couple of characters featured in the dream, most of them from secondary school...of course, we still are friends now, but that's beside the point. My bestest friends, but featuring more prominently is Net and Hui...for good reason I supposd. Net perhaps coz she was close to my ex-bf, hui perhaps coz she's attending the same church as ex-bf now. Then there's Amy too, perhaps coz she hung around ex-bf quite a fair bit. Honestly, I can't remember what the dream was about...just that I had a quarrel with ex-bf, and he went off to marry some other girl (Both of which are true, except that each happened in different spatial periods). Then after the quarrel, I saw my other bf (current bf in reality) with another girl. Eh, how I come to have two bfs, don't ask me. I stress - I'm NOT like that, I don't two-time.

Inconsequential dream you say. I agree...but you know how sometimes you just wake up from a dream / nightmare thinking it's true because it's just so real? Well this was one example. I woke up feeling sad and all alone. Honestly, what came to my mind first was the fact that ex-bf is getting married in two months' time. I did feel a tinge of sadness, because of what could have been. But...I'm not going there anymore. I've gone thru that before, and I'm not about to regurgitate everything again. Then I remembered my current bf was in the dream as well, and how he had another girl? Thankfully, before I felt sorrier for myself, I recalled that bf still belongs to me =)

I do wish ex-bf the best of coz...wish him happiness and bliss, wholeheartedly. I'm pretty sure the ex has moved on...But for me, he equates to my life's hits and misses. Honestly...I really have no idea how I would feel seeing him walk down the aisle on his big day with his bride. Don't get me wrong, I love my bf totally, wholeheartedly...I have a soft spot for him. But...this ex-bf is not any ex; he's my first bf. It was puppy love, but the innocence of it, the memories of everything...he just holds a special place in my heart. It's not love...but it's just something I can't / find hard to let go of.

Sunday, August 03, 2008

some really random post...

1. Tears
2. Music
...Combine the two and I suppose that will do for me too...
I just turn on the aircon (cool me down, physically and psychologically), blast the music...if it's a sad song, I cry buckets...if it's a 'happy' tune, well, I sing along and feel better afterwards...that is of coz, I don't skip that song..or if the next song is not a sad song and put me in some sappy mood again...
Hmm..sometimes sleep does wonders too =)

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Are you the carrot, egg or coffee bean?

A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life, and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it, and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved a new one arose.

Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water. In the first pot, she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs and the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil without saying a word. In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl.

Turning to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me what do you see?" "Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied. She brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they got soft. She then asked her to take the egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg. Finally, she asked her to smell and sip the coffee. The daughter smiled, as she smelled and tasted its rich aroma. The daughter then asked, "What's the point, mother?"

Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity- boiling water-but each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior. But, after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water they had changed the water.

"Which are you?" she asked her daughter. "When trials and adversity knock on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg, or a coffee bean?"

So, which are you?

The carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity, wilt and become soft and lose its strength?

The egg that starts with a passive heart, but changes with the heat? Do you have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a financial hardship or some other trial, become hardened and stiff? Does your shell look the same, but on the inside, are you bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and a hardened heart?

Or, are you like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you become better and change the situation around you.

When the hours are the darkest and trials are their greatest do you elevate to another level?

Saturday, July 12, 2008

just for laughs...

Courtesy of one of my morning presenters -
One day, Siew Mai was bored and decided to invite Man Tou to the movies. They decided on a comedy, and once inside, Siew Mai could hardly control his emotions - he laughed hard at all the funny scenes, he shed tears when parts of it got emotional...but all these while, Man Tou showed no emotion at all...Do you know why?
.....
.....
.....
.....
.....
.....
.....
Coz Man Tou has no FEE-LING! )ie. filling)
~ haha
So, the rather pissed Siew Mai decided that Man Tou was no fun to go out with, and decided to enjoy the movie with another...this time, he invited Da-Bao to the show, and...........whenever Siew Mai laughed, Da Bao laughed louder. Whenever Siew Mai cried, Da-Bao wept louder. Hmm...why?
......
......
......
......
......
......
......
Coz Da-Bao has more FEE-LING!! (ie. filling)
SO...Siew Mai thought - too drama, don't wanna go to the movies with Da-Bao..so he decided to invite Dou Sha Bao this time. At the movies, Dou Sha Bao laughed at the appropriate times, cried when things got too emotional...nothing over the top. BUT ~ Siew Mai sat through the entire show expression-less, motion-less! WHY?

......

......

......

......

......

......

......
C'mon, wouldn't you be if you sat through the same movie 3 times?! -.-
~hahahaha...duh~

Saturday, July 05, 2008

a blessing for journalism

May the God who said "Let there be light",
bless us in our search for truth and our quest to bring light to dark places.

May God give us the grace to resist the temptation to create a story with little regard for truth,
to assassinate character with little regard for mercy,
to slant reports with little regard for accuracy,
in order to curry favour or earn dishonest reward.

May God give us inspiration,
to tell the truth as we see it without favour,
to report oppression and violence without fear,
to stand by the innocent and defend the right, to encourage the good and denounce the evil.

May we recognise the power of the word,
and not use that power irresponsibly,
nor for personal gain,
but rather for the welfare of the community as a whole,
and particularly, the hungry, the homeless and the poor.

May we find a blessing as we write courageously to give true pictures,
as we seek to bring hope where there is despair,
as we influence people to search for truth,
as we increase understanding of issues,
and as we contribute to the happiness of all.

May God, the compassionate and loving Creator,
protect us in times of danger,
guide us in situations of perplexity,
uphold us in the experience of failure,
and encourage us in times of success.

John Johansen-Berg, England
(from the book "A world of Blessing: Benedictions from every continent and many cultures, compiled by Geoffrey Duncan)


~Yeah...right

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Just a thought...

I completed a story book lately - "The Book of Lost Things" by John Connolly...It's a fantasy story, but quite an interesting read. Fantasy stories are not something I would pick up generally; it all depends. I got to know of this book through Borders e-newsletter, and I read its synopsis, which didn't sound too bad. At some stages, it did keep me gripped, so quite something I enjoyed. So if you are keen, go for it.

Well I'm not plugging the book, just something that occurred to me after I completed the book. A similarity I shared with the boy in the story. Well, he was an only child and his mom's life was slowly ebbing away due to cancer. He came to this conclusion that something can be done about it, and it was all up to him. It started out innocently enough; he just did his playing and games quietly so as not to disturb his mom's rest, and basically he felt that if he did some things a certain way, if he did certain things in a particular / routine way, he can keep his mom's illness at bay. So it came right down to the point where he would wake up in the morning and get out of bed on the right side; he would take a certain number of steps (even, not odd - odd numbers were deemed evil) to go to the bathroom; he would brush his teeth a certain number of times (even still); chew his food a certain number of times (even again)...stuff like that. And if he had bumped his head accidentally on the left side, he would bump it on the right just to make it even..and if he thought he had bumped twice instead of the designated once, he would bump it once again, or any number of times necessary to make it even-numbered and so on; the things he would do...

When I was reading the book, it occurred to me that he seem to have some compulsive disorder. Then I realised that I was a little like that too..and still am sometimes. I thought even numbers were good and odd was bad; and instead of an "obsession" with numbers, I was stuck on routine habits - like doing certain things in a certain way so that I would have a smoothsailing day that day. But I stopped that bad habit after I came to Christ. He, after all, is whom I believe to be in control of my life, not some silly chance thing. In any case, I thought, if doing certain things routinely will get me through a day well, then it's probably the devil at work, that I had to panter to his likes. Haha..well, I caught myself doing that still actually. Not that I believe otherwise now, but I supposed I just sort of fell into habit again. Oh well. Just thought how differently it had looked when it's someone else's story, and how "I'm not like that" or "I certainly don't have any disorders!"...but really, isn't the similarity a tad too uncanny? haha...WELL, I know I DON'T have any disorder =)

Thursday, May 01, 2008

News

Did I ever mention that I enjoy reading other people's blogs? Heh...not really surprising, since I'm so kaypoh...I also enjoy pouring out my woes and happiness through my blog. But somehow along the way, I seem to have either lost interest, or at a loss of words, literally. And I'm sure many of us have encounter this - have lotsa things running through our minds, have a great idea what to blog about, then totally forgot about it when sitting in front of the computer. Yeah, that feeling kinda sux doesn't it.

This time, I let my hands do the talking - I opened an empty post, and just typed away. I guess that's what we mean when we say it's good not to have to think sometimes =)

Anyways, I was watching the telly just the other day when something I learnt in school flashed through my mind.

It all started with me wondering how come I'm blogging so much lesser now than the beginning when I first started. I did mention that my unforgiving hours had alot to do with it. Well it's still true, just that I wondered about the possibility if I had become bored...like, the novelty has worn off? Or even "de-sensitised"?

Yeah, "de-sensitisation" is a concept I picked up from a module last semester.
Desensitisation basically means that if you've gone through alot of a particular something which used to irks you, frightens you, or whatever it is, you outgrown from it. This psychology concept is used in media study to explain how kids, for example, after having watched much violence on tv, becames "desensitised", that they may begin to accept that it's ok to be violent, or they are no longer turned off by it when they see it the next time.

AND one thing led to another, I wondered if I'm desensitised when it comes to news. Ok, here's what I mean. Everyone of us has a role in the news process; we are either the ones who PASS the news from around the world to viewers, or we are the ones who RECEIVES the news. In a way, we play both roles at different times don't we? We tune in to tv news and become a viewer, and when we tell our friends about the brutal murder in Japan, or that funny office-chair competition in Germany, we pass the news along.

But for those of us who work in a newsroom, it's kinda diffferent. We are SURROUNDED by news. It's an exciting place to be at, especially during times of breaking news. But it's also made me wonder if that is making me desensitised.

Just yesterday, I was doing a piece of news about how improverished families in Manila Philippines had to turn to re-cooking trash for food. They live in abject poverty - earning less than 200 pesos (about US$5) but having to feed the entire family. To top off, rising inflation has encroached into their income, making things worse. Basically, they scavenge for food in the trash; and a kind of trade from this has evolved - buying and selling trash. Literally, what's one's trash is another's treasure. You can go here for a better idea:
http://www.probetv.com/search_result.php?search_id=Payatas

In any case, that wasn't the wire I was working with. I had footage of this mother who sifts through the trash, picks out chicken wing bones (with bits of meat still remaining) and fries them for her children. Sizzling chicken frying in the wok; you'd never have guessed. The footage is far more poignant than my description...hair-raising. One kid commented that she loves the chicken. I mean you think about it, for the poor who could hardly put food on the table, chicken wings are a treat! But this is just so wrong...and sad.

When I was looking through it, I cringed when I saw the kids clamouring for a piece of chicken (or whatever was left on the bone)...then I felt sad for them...then, sort of nothing. I mean as in, after I was done, I left the place and forgot about it. It's wrong to be feeling this way, I know it. People who cared enough perhaps would have done something more. Or maybe it's the sentiment that one man's effort is not enough to change things. Whatever it is...I don't want to be desensitised. Being able to feel for the story and the people whose story you're telling, is very important. You can't tell a story well if you don't believe in it. News today is rather subjective. As in, reporters subtly input their emotions or agenda, and make you feel what they want you to feel through the way they craft the story. Ethical concerns aside, it does give a human side to stories, or give an alternative view to political brawls between countries.

One can never be bored with news, because no two piece of news is the same. But it just sort of made me wonder if having written too much of a particular type of news will make one (or me) feel nothing for it...and end up simply chewing-and-spitting-out the facts that's all.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Exam Blues =(

I know I have been updating in the most sporadic manner...and this probably counts as one of the most unusual time to be updating my blog...coz I'm sitting for the dreaded exam tomorrow.

Bummer.

Well, I really should not be blogging, but studying...especially considering that I'm super ill-prepared this semester. Remember how I was saying that last sem was bad? Well I'm not so sure which is worse now. For all you know, this could possibly be worse. After all, this module this sem is harder. Although it's open-book...but you know what's the deal with open-books...it's trickier and possibly even harder. I don't know. I just have this sense of forebidding, that's been plaguing me since god-knows-when. Yeah...God...help! I know all that promise I made last sem, sort of flew out of the window. I've just gotten so slack in the process. I supposed adapting to this new work schedule of unearthly hours has taken a toll on me. On top of that, I think I just didn't start revision, or take leave early enuff. AND once again...all I'm asking for is a miracle pass...yeah, even a pass is a miracle. Coz I think I wrote crap for my term paper; presentation wasn't good...haiz.

Anyways, I got "inspired" to blog this coz of Ben...honestly, he's been updating his blog ever so often...like, every 2-3 days? -.- that fellow's a scholar la. Well that aside...he talked about what he's gonna do once exams are over (can check out his blog link on the side panel...I'm too lazy to link now. heh). Well, I supposed EVERY one of us have big plans what we wanna do.

Me....

1. I didn't shop much this month...heh, wait! That doesn't mean I'm gonna do it okies. It was just a passing remark off the head. Anyways...mabbe I would just go browse or window-shop or something. Nothing hardcore..haha..just..you know, browse, and if I see somehting I like, well and good. Hee...

2. I need to exercise! Think I'm puting on the pounds. I'm feeling very uncomfortable about my body now. Physically I mean. Geez...I'm just so lazy.

3. I need to catch up with ..."stuff". Things that I'm supposed to do and lay my hands on, but I've either procrastinated too much, or it just simply wasn't on my agenda; aka, forgot. Ahem. Let's see...things like photos? prezzies? Oh boy there're just so many.

4. Housekeeping...all round in my room, table, wardrobe, etc...even my mobile disk! Things are just getting so untidy in that little black box that it irks me so to see my things all over the place. Grrrr.

5. Of coz, there's still the catching-up I would need to do. I seem to have neglected ppl...first up, I intend to go bck n visit my ex-offc peeps. Then calling the various grp of ppl. Or mabbe wait for some others to date me too. Haa.

6. Erh...I've no idea what's next. But I'm feeling guilty about my revision again, so I shall just leave it at this and not rack my brains anymore.

In the meantime, chaos...wish me luck, and pray for me. I need it!

Friday, April 04, 2008

Wish Tuesday were here...

I'm so angry with you...you've made me so upset.


I can't let go of the thought of you and how mean you've been.



And you keep doing things to upset me.



All you ever say is just "then what you expect me to do"...or "Can you don't be angry anymore"



But much as I hate to admit this...

I do miss you loads.


I just wish you'll come back soon. =(

Never trust ME

omg..it's april already..just like that, four months of a "brand new" year have flashed by. I'm going to have my exams soon. As I've been telling everyone, this sem is a goner. I've not done any readngs...and I've only applied for 4-days leave (was 5, but had to go bck that one day coz I'm supposed to be on training that day...it's "compulsory" *roll eyes*) I don't think I can accomplish much in that four days rite? now I wish I had applied for more. You may be wondering what the problem is...just apply now loh...well mister n missy, it's not as easy as that..especially when we have a roster to adhere to, and as it is, we'r getting really shorthanded.
Sigh.

I'm getting scared..last thing I want is an F grade or something..I would hate to think I'd get an ugly but pass grade displayed on my transcript, but now I think I would appreciate the "ugly" grade anyday than an F grade.

As it is, I'm supposed to be on leave today, rushing out a term paper that's due on Monday. I've not done anything (That's not surprising anymore isn't it?)...absolutely nothing..no readings, no research. All I have is a hastily put together proposal which was handed in couple of weeks ago. My lecturer replied with some comments, sayign that my reading list is not concrete enough. I know that too! But I just can't seem to find anything substantial on the topic! God I hate this.

After I came home yesterday (thursday), I was so tired (as usual), so I thought, ok, I'll go get some zz then mabbe wake up and get started. THEN, I woke up and surfed net, watched tv and thought...hmm, nvm, I'll get started tomoro...afterall, with enough rest and zz, I can wake fresh and bright and get started. As it is, it's friday, I woke up 11am (which is almost close to the time I would have knocked off from work anyway) and comforted myself: I know it's late, but hey, I would have come home tired and wanting to zz if I had gone to work today! Now, I can concentrate and get started. Once again, I procrastinated and lazed and surfed net. FINALLY, I opened my word application, took out some notes.

I know...I should have known better than to trust myself.

Friday, February 22, 2008

Ehh...what can I say?

Hmm...it's been such a long time since I've last blogged...really no time..otherwise no mood..but suddenly I have the mood now...heh

Well let's see..mabbe a short post now..after all, I'm waiting for bf to get home before we go out..I was supposed to do some reading just now, but I was too tired and fell asleep. Woke up and it was dusk..caught a bit of tv, and here I am now.

That's the kind of life I lead now - waking up wee hours of the morning every weekday, getting home in the afternoon, have lunch and nap, wake up evening/night, do dinner, sleep again to get ready to go to work. Strangely, I work the same number of hours as I've used to, I sleep same/lesser number of hours now, but I don't get the same time to spend with my books. Seriously, I'm in deep trouble this semester. I'm lacking so far behind my readings, submitted a proposal for term paper (which I have no idea what I wrote), followed by term paper, then there's the pair presentation this coming Mon (nothing's done, dunno how to do), group project coming up...oh good lord...I feel myself fainting le...

Life hasn't been that easy, seriously; working in the news room is fast-paced...and difficult. It's tough to adapt, especially when I have to re-learn alot of things...in fact, EVERYTHING. I've no relevant experience to talk about, since I used to come from the print media. It's totally different. Even the way I have to write, tv news is just different from print.

There've been times I've done well, times when I've messed up..it's all part of the learning curve. Like what one of the seniors in my team tells me -- the team didn't have a newcomer for so long, that they've forgotten how to nurture and teach someone. yeah. that someone is me loh. Haha..sigh..
I dunno how things are gonna be..but I'm just taking a "let nature takes its course" mentality. I haven't really decided/deduced if this job, or even this industry is really for me..Just have to "test" it out further and see the outcome. Am I being too pessimistic?

Sunday, January 13, 2008

What about now? Perhaps there was nothing to begin with

Shadows fill an empty heart
As love is fading,
From all the things that we are
But are not saying.
Can we see beyond the scars
And make it to the dawn?
Change the colors of the sky.
And open up to
The ways you made me feel alive,
The ways I loved you.
For all the things that never died,
To make it through the night,
Love will find you.
What about now?
What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love never went away?
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?
Before it's too late,
What about now?

You never knew.

Monday, December 24, 2007

Merry Xmas...and a long update to occupy you for now =D

I think it kinda says something when I can't remember what the last thing I blogged about was huh..hee...I know I owe a super duper long and outdated post. Heh..well, a little hard to find the time..Been really busy and all.

Oh right. I had a peek at my last entry. Hee..Ok, so that was on Nov 19, while I was in the thick of my exams. Yeah, now I remember panicking and whining then. So, the exams came and went, a new job came and went, results came and went. My life's been a wee bit more exciting than has been for the longest time I remember. That's kinda alot to blog about in my opinion. Alrite, with what little time I have, I shall proceed to type my usual very chong-hei entry. Here goes. Ahem.

1. Exams...& results

Well as I've said, exams came and went, results came and went. The exams were rather crap. See, I was so despondent that I gave up blogging about it after it was over. For one, as you would have known, I didn't even finish studying half of it. Nah, probably 1/4 at best. So, for Prof Eddie's paper, it took us a little by surprise. Coz some major topics were nowhere to be seen. Next, some questions seemingly do not seem to make use of what we were taught in class. At that point, I didn't know if I should jump for joy or sink lower into depression. But oh heck, I can't very give up there and then in the exam hall. As I've said, I went in with a mentally prepared to flunk. Ironically, perhaps there wasn't any pressure that way? I don't know. Heh. I skipped one question for Prof Eddie's paper. Or rather, I didn't have time to write, even though it would have been rubbish I wrote. Laughable, for someone who didn't study for the paper, I could run out of time huh..yeah, that's perhaps how chong-hei I am. For Dr Kavita's paper, I turn desperate and ended up reading the lecture notes only. As you would know, lecture notes hold the barest details. But well I thought, for someone who has no time to study anything else, wouldn't that have been better than none? And similarly, I thnk at best I completed studying for only 1/3 of the module. Basically, for every question, I just dumped whatever information I know pertaining to that topic/question. And once again, I didn't finish my last question. I wrote 3/4 page for that question, which if I don't remember wrongly, stands for 20 or 25 marks? Oh..best of all..I was late for Dr Kavita's paper. Haha. What a joke.

I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before, but initially, it was thought that C is a pass. Technically, a grade C is "good", meaning still a pass rite? But look at it this other way, we need an accumulated CAP of 2.5 to graduate for all the modules, and a C only brings you a CAP point of 2...hmm...

In any case, I guess I really must thank God for this. He knows how much I don't deserve to pass. And I procrastinate a whole lot. And especially since I know many others deserve better grades than I do. But in fact, He has given me something beyond a pass, something beyond a C, and I know it's not my effort. Some people call it luck, some people call I'm being humble. But really, I'm not. I know where things would have stood for me. Of coz, I still sat for my papers and all. But in a way, I see it as His doing when he planted those questions there. Eg - past year exams, there has ALWAYS been this major topic in communications that sees at least one question being set on it. This time, none. And now on hindsight, the fact that I could do well without doing sufficient preparations/revision probably boils down to 2 reasons. 1, either I've been super attentive (which I'm not really) and absorb all that I've heard, and/or that the questions needed beyond class material to answer (which I did, since I didn't do any revision rite). So there you have it. I passed! And the grades are not bad for both! The next thing I must remember, is to try to keep my promises. Well you see, in moments of desperation, I promise, I swear, I lay down my life (ok a tad too much) that if I could cross this "very difficult" hurdle, I would do regular revision, that I would be more hardworking, etc. Well it's for my own good, so I suppose it's time to put those into actions when school reopens in Jan. *smiles*

2. A New Job!
After four years, I've finally moved on to new challenges. Still the media industry, but a totally different medium altogether. My old job handles the print media, while this new one is TV. Technically yes I still write, but I'm now writingto cater to a different audience. With the medium and audience different, it has become a whole new different ballgame.

To begin with, I really have A LOT to learn...new skills to pick up, even right down to writing skills, and in addition, new things that I've never known about. And you know how daunting that can be. It got overwhelming, honestly it did...to the point that I got turned off, I developed blues...almost like depression. I felt like a 7-year-old who refused to attend Pri 1. At least a Pri 1 kid has more fun than me loh. Haiz.

Oh I forgot to mention. I'm a news producer. Basically I'm part of the team that writes the news for the presenters to read on tv. When the credits roll at the end of the programme, can see my name. Hee..some kind of cheap satisfaction.

The first day was kind..I was on orientation. Basically, to orientate me around the place, the things, etc and WHAM! Day 2 I was thrown into the thick of the action. They let me write a piece or two, and it was kinda hurting to know see my article edited 80%. -.- But now, I've kinda realised that different people have different styles. You see, because everyday, we have different producers, and they are mainly in charge of checking, editing and ensuring that all articles are in and/or good enuff to go on air. So when that happens, I've sometimes got conflicting signals from different producers who edited my work. One would tell me to not do this, while another would be doing that, etc. Stuff like that. And I've also realised that because different producers have different ways of doing things, some just want to edit your work heavily when it's not their style; while another producer would have passed my work with minor changes. So...at this point, I guess it's just a learning curve for me. Not just to learn their different styles, but as one senior told me, to have my own style eventually, to have a particular area I'd like to concentrate on. Mabbe by then, I would have improved and they would think it's alrite to leave my work alone with little amendments.

Come Jan, I'm going to be put on training to learn a new system. I'm looking forward to it, coz I would want to learn whatever there is, and hopefully settle down asap. While on the other hand, I'm afraid of my learning incapability. You see, I always feel that I'm a slow learner. Heh. So since day 1, I've always, and still am worrying about not meeting their expectations, whether in terms of learning ability or skills level.

But I'm glad at least for now, they are giviing me time. But really, I am worrying that they may think I ought to have known this or that by now, which I didn't...how?! sigh...

Everyone on the team seems nice, and they seem to get along well with everyone else. THe chief told me, this is a close-knit team, no politiking. And the way I see, I thnk so too. And if it really is, then I thnk I ought to count my lucky stars...coz I thought after I left my prevous job, it would be next to impossible to find a job with no politicking or backstabbing. Though I must add, the people at the old place are still better. Well mabbe at this new place, they see me as new, and not really one of them as well. I hope the day will come soon when I really can become "one of them" on the team. Sigh. You know how the wk env matters to me more than the money.

Not that the $ isn't good lah..it's definitely better than my old place for sure. And the benefits are better too. So I guess I'm "covered" in that sense. I guess things can be better of coz. I sincerely hope so.

Next up: Low-down on my job =)

Monday, November 19, 2007

What's happening to me!!

I know I ought to be studying now...but I just can't seem to catch hold of my mood. I know I'll feel guilty about blogging instead of doing revision, but heck..I'll leave that to later. I guess I just have to piah doubly hard later tonite.


I completed my first paper last friday...the weeks and days leading up to that was a total nightmare...no, torture would be more apt. Right up to the last week before the paper, I was rushing some stupid assignment. THen when I finally could get down to the proper revision, I realised, to my horror, that 1) there was too much to study and 2) I was studying too slowly. In any case, I was on the verge of giving up. Actually I did throw my hands up in despair...was just too sick of the whole damn thing to get on with anything. Well I guess you can say it was a miracle that I decided to turn up for the paper after all.

I turned up for a paper that I hadn't even revised past 3 chapters. "Gung-ho" huh..but not that I wanted it this way loh. I guess you can really call it a miracle if I passed. I was so depressed...I prayed so feverishly just to let me pass..although the words of the Dean still rang loud and clear in my ears - on average, students should be getting As and Bs...if you are getting Cs (ie. just passing), you ought to look at yourself again and buck up. Nothing harsh, true in fact, but that feeling is really...sux I'd say. And you know what, having come out from that exam, I knew if I had time to study harder, it's really not difficult! And I'd really want to kick myself for this - I just had this gut feeling, so loud and clear, that these 2 particular chapters will surely be tested on...but I just didn't devote time to that. How stupid can I get huh..Well yes, there were 2 essay questions on that -.- Crap.

It wasn't like what I wanted it to be..studying I mean. I wanted it to be an enjoyable process, since the last thing I want is for it to be like how the situation was back in the NUS degree days. I mean, afterall, this is not my first degree, I don't need this to get me a job or something..I want to be able to explore the stuff I'm studying and go more in-depth, instead of studying for the grades. But guess what, as it is, I already am doing just that loh - studying for the grades instead of knowledge. That kinda feeling is distasteful, really. Sigh.

I can't deny what I'm going to do if I really flunk the module. So embarassing rite? but to quit is also equally embarassing! Sigh. But it'll be so sian loh...to have to repeat the module...I not know what to do. Argh. I hope they'll b kind not to flunk me..or that my assignments and projects can help out a little. The last thing I want is to see my friends progressed to year 2 or somthing while I have to repeat a module with my juniors! *Horrors! As if it's of any comfort - Eugene said the same thing too, that if he were to flunk any module this sem (which I very much doubt so), he would quit immediately and cut losses. To which Jac said, logically they'll not flunk anyone, at least not in the first sem, coz they want to earn your $ (sch fees). They know ppl will start dropping out if they flunk, and there goes the $ they can earn. If they want to flunk ppl, it would be till sub sems, when u are so deep into it that you can't quit when u flunk coz you would hv put so much into it liao. Heh...some kind of "wai1" li...(crooked reasoning) haha...

Anyways, I'm still on study leave. Clearing my leave too...I'll leave the news to the next entry *winks...But well, after my last paper, I'll be returning to work on Thursday. Yep yep, my next and last paper will be on Weds...Communications Research. I hate research really, but the prof is a nice lecturer. =) As always, I study for the teacher/lecturer (habit since sec sch). heh. The paper is going to be application style, though it's not open book. It's so me to procrastinate...I haven't had much revision done. Oh well..I ought to go on about it soon...I mean, really really soon, like NOW. Heh..more updates soon...Ciao!

Oh yes...my dear dear is touching down tonite! Happiness! I can see him tonite liao! Happiness! Hee...Can't wait!

Thursday, November 01, 2007

a bad entry

I can't sleep...but I need to because I have an early morning event to cover

I can't study...but I have to because exams are drawing near

I seem to have lost interest in everything...because nothing is going right

I'm kinda hurting, and it feels real bad

What a way to start the month's entry

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

if ever i would leave you...

If ever I would leave you
It wouldn't be in summer
Seeing you in summer
I never would go
Your hair streaked with sunlight
Your lips red as flame
Your face with a lustre
that puts gold to shame

But if I'd ever leave you
It couldn't be in autumn
How I'd leave in autumn
I never will know
I've seen how you sparkle
When fall nips the air
I know you in autumn
And I must be there

And could I leave you
running merrily through the snow
Or on a wintry evening
when you catch the fire's glow

If ever I would leave you
How could it be in spring-time
Knowing how in spring I'm bewitched by you so
Oh no not in spring-time
Summer, winter or fall
No never could I leave youat all

Friday, October 05, 2007

Bangkok Photos

I'm absolutely in no mood to blog. Well obviously, I'm back in Singapore after a wonderful 2-week holidays. It's depressing to be back in reality, where work and school just dictates every hour, every minute and every second of my life.

Ever since I got back from Aussie land, I've started dreaming again. Eh, I'm refering to the literal dreams, the dreams that bug me at night, every night. Before my trip, I was having dreams, nightmares and what-have-yous every night. During my trip, it was perfect..nothing. No dreams to keep me from a good night's rest. Ever since I stepped onto Sunny Singapore, Ka-boom! You have it - the dreams come to me EVERYNIGHT without fail. Some horrifying, some ridiculous. I just wake up tired, like having not rested. I tell everyone I have the good fortune of "watching" a movie every night. When I sleep that is.

And the stress level is increasing for me, so much so that I feel foolish at the things I do. Last night I poured myself a glass of juice from the fridge, and after a good time sipping it, I washed the glass, and guess what? I proceeded to "return" the glass to the freaking fridge. -.- Another one. I was walking along the Orchard underpass at CK Tangs, where the row of atms are? Opp the ATMs is this panel of wall with a big advert black-&-white. You know what? There was a lady dressed in orange leaning on the wall (presumably waiting for someone), she had her head tilted to the left, and when I walked past the wall, she moved (turned to look in my direction) and I was taken aback. I got a fright (seriously). I thought she was part of the advert, and I thought I was seeing things. -.- And and...this a good one too. I was at Orchard MRT Station popular book store, and when I wanted to catch 190 home, all I could think of was, the bus stop is located behind Wisma. And the unbelievably smart me took the escalator down the mrt station, out to Wisma, cut through Wisma to 3rd level, exited Wisma and towards the bus stop. For all who aren't sure of the location of the freaking bus stop...it's just outside the MRT station. All I needed to do, was to take the escalator UP and OUT to the bus stop. Unbelievable.

Ok enough. I don't want to go on about it. Anyway I ought to get back to my work. I just wanted to upload these photos taken at Bangkok earlier this year with my two pals, Lyn and Audrey. I'll do some commentary next time if I have the time. Haa. Here goes.


Day 1 - On the plane, arrival at the Surva-dunno-what airport, a sumptuous lunch at Siam Paragon (Jap food, the cheap and a lot quantity one), night shopping at a night market (some General's market or dunno what..can't remb now. heh)

This was at the famous Chatuchak market. The place is seriously so big, we barely completed one block from 9am-9pm. Also the time when we re-wrote a record: Shopping for 12-hour straight with only a 1/2hr lunch break. Nope, no toilet breaks too. Are you up to the challenge of shopping with us? Wahahaha..

Saw this interesting advert at the MBK Shopping Mall...can't remember whether they were advertising bras or breast enhancement services. Click on it to see what "type/shape" your boobs are. Wahaha...

Nothing much...just some shops near the hotel we were staying at. Interesting shops. We shopped through the four days, we didn't even do any body or foot massages. Kinda waste huh.

And yes, that's the room the 3 of us bunked in. Messed up by our shopping wares. We hardly had room to move about. What you see is not what you get. There's more stuff not captured in the picture. Wahaha. We stayed in Novotel Siam Square, a really cool place. Definitely well located (in the heart of everything), comfortable, not too ex! The "innocent" me have nv been on a shopping holiday, so I brought 2 small luggages, which hardly was enough obviously. The other 2 girls were way smarter. They brought huge luggages (those that can bring you on a 12-day tour to Europe type), which was empty when we just reached, and packed full by the time we left. Audrey even had to unzip a special pocket in her luggage to give additional space. Smart girl.

Supposedly one of the better delicacies that's cheap and good. Know what this is? Bird's Nest. But hell no, it looks like erm...something tested in the labs...complete with the blue containers. -.- Tasted bad too. Yucks. After which we learnt, we ought to have bought from the neighbouring stall. ~ bummers

Our last breakfast at the hotel before heading to the airport. Nice food. International buffet breakfast, though the variety is a tad disappointing. Oh well. But I love their waffles. They had all kinds of exotic fruits to go with it (take ur pick), and the fruits were fresh and juicy. Fresh pickings I must say. Nice!


At the airport, while waiting for our flight. We decided to pool our resources together and splash all on a nice treat. The girls were nice...they decided to indulge me...ICE CREAM! Yum!

Sadly...it was back to Singapore. A short four-day trip. Certainly not enough. I dislike going for short trips actually. It's like, before you know it, you have to take the flight back. Bummer rite. Well there were more places we visited..but no time to take pictures. haha..But then again, it was a nice trip, spending bonding time and stuff like that, with the girls. We endeavour to go somewhere again soon (dunno how soon also), and hopefully, the other 3 girls can make it too! Cheers!